Jervis Tetch: Film Critic
by jjhatter
Summary: Today we answer this age-old question: what would happen if the Mad Hatter saw Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. BEWARE: may contain tea and Scarecrows! R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Greetings, readers! Question: is it possible to make fun of something you like? I'm not sure...but I'm certainly going to try! A few boring things, then the fun can begin...

Rating: T (for safety purposes, more than anything else)

Disclaimers: I own absolutely NOTHING here. Jonathan Crane, a.k.a. Scarecrow, Jervis Tetch, and all things related to _Batman: The Animated Series_ belong to DC Comics, Bob Kane, Bruce Timm, Paul Dini, and anyone else involved I failed to mention. _Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland_ belongs to Disney, Tim Burton, Lewis Carroll, and, again, anyone else involved I failed to mention.

Summary: Jervis Tetch and the Scarecrow watch _Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland._ What more do I need to say?

Notes: Please note that this story is for satirical purposes: I like Tim Burton's film (most of my fanfics are set in that universe, after all), but even I see some flaws in it...and our beloved Mr. Tetch, being who he is, will probably see even more. On that note, don't trust my profile's list of favorite movies; most of it is untrue (except for number one); Tim Burton's movie is great, but it isn't my second favorite film...it isn't even my favorite take on the stories. Still, it makes for a fun world for watching/writing/reading, and now shall truly provide a great amount of laughter...I hope.

"Enough of this tomfoolery! Enough of this banter! ENOUGH OF THIS SAYING 'ENOUGH'!" _Let the madness begin...!_

**Chapter I: The Phone Call**

Jonathan Crane smiled to himself.

"Perfect," he hissed softly, as he held up an aerosol canister filled with his newest batch of fear toxin; he had developed a new form of the gas that would attack a person in their sleep, plaguing them with nightmares so awful it would very likely cause them to die in their sleep.

And the best part? No one would ever be able to trace the chemicals back to him.

He smirked, and carefully slid open the desk drawer; he had escaped over a month ago from Arkham, and was hiding out in the abandoned Haunted House of the old Gotham Amusement Park; the Joker had forsworn his ties to the territory, leaving it free for all sorts of scum.

Including the hobo, sheltered in the Hall of Mirrors, that Scarecrow planned to test his newest creation on the next day.

He chuckled to himself as he closed the drawer, filled already with two empty, unlabeled containers, and then sat back, spindly hands removing his glasses and safely tucking them in his lab coat pocket.

He leaned back and sighed, closing his eyes, listening to the rain outside. His mask and hat lay on the desk near him, and underneath his coat he wore his usual costume; he had yet to find any better clothes.

He smiled to himself...it was not a malicious smile, nor a deranged one. It was simply a smile.

_"It's raining, it's pouring, the Old Man is snoring..."_

**BRRR-IIINNG! BRRR-IIINNG! BRRR-IIINNG!**

Crane frowned and immediately lowered his arms leaning forward and grabbing the phone on his desk; it had been fairly simple to install, thank heavens.

Already knowing who was on the other end, he leaned his head in his free hand wearily.

"Jervis, how did you get this number?"

_"Hello to you, too, Jonathan!"_ was the bright, crisp voice on the other end. _"Up to anything new?"_

"I just completed a new batch of special toxin. Does that count?"

There was a pause.

_"Am I interrupting anything, Jonathan?"_

"No," sighed Crane, grateful that he at least asked, "I finished it. What do you want, Hatter? It's..."

Scarecrow paused and checked the wristwatch on his left arm.

"...11:30 in the evening, and there's a storm going on. The Bat's still out, and he's likely to trace our numbers...that's how he caught you last time, remember?"

_"Yes, of course, I do. Sorry about telling him about where you were..."_

Crane, who had not been paying too much attention, now glared at the phone as if it had bit him.

"What was that?"

_"Nothing."_

Jonathan Crane rolled his eyes, not really caring if he heard right or not.

_"Anyway, I was wondering: would you be interested, perchance, in joining me for tea?"_

"...Right now?"

There was a giggle on the other end.

_"Of course not, silly! At 6:00, tomorrow, when the rain has stopped!"_

Scarecrow frowned.

"I was going to test my poison."

_"Well, can't you do that before or after you and I have finished?"_

Crane sighed. There was no getting around this...

"Fine. Any particular reason?"

_"Oh, not really..."_

The frown deepened.

"Tetch, those three words have gotten us both into and out of the Asylum too high for me to count. What do you want me over for?"

_"I have added a new film to my little collection, and I thought you might be interested."_

Crane blinked.

"That's it?"

_"Yes."_

"You want me to visit you and...watch a movie?"

_"...Yes..."_

There was silence.

"I think I'll pass," Jonathan said, flatly, and began to hang up the phone...

_"Wait, wait, wait!" _Jervis yelled. _"You might actually like this one!"_

Crane sighed, reluctantly bringing the phone back up to his ear, pinching his brow.

"Why?" he growled, now VERY irritated. "What's so special about it?"

_"This one was made by Tim Burton."_

Scarecrow's eyes snapped open.

"As in..._Sleepy Hollow?"_

_ "Yes."_

"And _Vincent?"_

_ "Yes."_

_ "Corpse Bride? Edward Scissorhands? The Nightmare Before Christmas?"_

_ "Yes, and yes, again."_

A pause.

"All right, I'll be there."

_"Frabjous! Until tomorrow, Scarecrow!"_

CLICK.

Jonathan Crane sighed and hung up the phone.

In all honesty, he admitted to himself, he wasn't a fan of Tim Burton; anyone who made a film about the Bat was not high on his list of people.

Still, when a person who idolized Vincent Price, made films involving ghosts, zombies, and witches, and managed to make Cobblepot look more ugly than he already was made a film about the Mad Hatter's greatest pleasure, he knew one thing: the result would be absolutely priceless.

Maybe even better than testing his newest fear toxin...


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning:** Just a reminder; this is all purely for satirical purposes. Tim Burton is awesome, and so is this movie...

But that's what I think, not what Jervis thinks; on that note, whenever he starts quoting something, it means he likes what he's seeing. Just wanted to clear that up...

Anything in italics comes from the film; everything else is Jervis and Jonathan talking.

**Chapter II: The Movie Begins**

"'ThE sUn WaS sHiNiNg On ThE sEa, ShInInG wItH aLl HiS mIgHt. He DiD hIs VeRy BeSt To MaKe ThE bIlLoWs SmOoTh AnD bRiGhT, aNd ThIs WaS oDd, BeCaUsE iT wAs ThE mIdDlE oF tHe NiGhT...'"

Jervis Tetch was delighted. In Arkham, it was hard to keep up with the times...and, when the times involved a mega-blockbuster based on his passion, it was no surprise no one at the Asylum told him so. He had never even seen the commercials (which was especially depressing, now that he thought about it).

So, naturally, he didn't know what to expect when, en route to his hideout one day, he had passed a shabby film store and seen a simple cardboard sign on the window reading "Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland sold here." (The word "here" had actually been spelled as "hear," but the Hatter got the idea.) He immediately purchased...or, rather, stole...the film from the rental store. It had been contained in a black case, like the cases of most DVD rental stores, which only excited him more; he could barely contain his joy. Now the surprise would be even more...well, surprising!

The Mad Hatter hustled about the makeshift kitchen in the aged toy warehouse (the sign outside called it "The Mock Turtle Toy Co.") he had made his home. He had set up a coffee table in front of the old television set he had installed, and the boxes of films based on his cherished stories (and there were plenty of those) lay on the floor near it. He placed the steaming teapot on the table carefully, and then quickly set up two cups and saucers. He took a loaf of bread from his cupboard, and a tub of margarine (a suitable replacement for real butter, he thought with a shrug), and placed them on the table as well. Finally, he placed a bowl of cream and a sugar bowl down.

"There!" he chuckled, fastidiously brushing his hands on his trousers. "That should take care of it."

He was dressed in fairly normal clothes – a black collared shirt with long sleeves and blue trousers – save for the hat on his head, which he made a point of wearing as often as possible. (He WAS the Mad Hatter, after all.) He had removed his gloves, but put them back on, now that the work was done. With a smile, he took his old, tattered copy of _Through the Looking-Glass_ from its place on a nearby shelf, and began to read as he awaited his guest.

He didn't have very long to wait; he had barely gotten to the first line of _Jabberwocky_ when a knock came at the door.

Placing the book back on the shelf, Jervis ran to greet his friend.

"Jonathan!" he grinned. "So good of you to come!"

The Scarecrow wore dark glasses and a raincoat over his usual outfit. He removed the cap from his flat-topped head and hung it on the hat rack (which was inhabited by at least five more hats that matched the Hatter's own).

"This better not be a total waste of time," he said simply.

Tetch rolled his eyes.

"It's a movie, my dear man," he said with a smile. "The point of these things IS to waste time. To relax!"

"Yes, and in your case, to drool over the lead."

Jervis scowled.

"I do NOT drool over the actresses who play my Alice, Scarecrow."

"Really?" smirked Crane. "You came awfully close with that Majorino one..."

Jervis snorted.

"Poppycock," he huffed, and strode back to the table. "The tea is ready and the table is set. Please, sit down and have a cup."

Jonathan placed his coat on the rack and sat on the couch before the table. He carefully poured himself a cup of tea, and sat back, free arm crossed over his chest, legs crossed at the knee, while the Mad Hatter slipped the film into the DVD player and turned on the television.

He raced to his seat, and poured himself a cup, fidgeting excitedly as he waited for the film to start.

As he took his first sip, the familiar sight of a castle greeted them...

"Oh, so this is a Disney film," murmered Jervis.

"Great," Jonathan sneered.

The Hatter paid him no heed.

The title flew into view, written in curving, golden lettering...

_"Oh, Alice, dear, where have you been...?"_

_ The age: Victorian England. The place: Christ Church, Oxford. The night was cold and foggy. A single light shone in the home of the Kingsleigh family. A shadow moved about thoughtfully..._

"Hm. Well, this doesn't seem too bad," Jervis said with a shrug. "The music's nice, they have a pretty good design for their period...I'm intrigued."

"That's not hard for you."

The Hatter just rolled his eyes and took another sip.

_"This venture of yours is impossible!"_

_ "For some, the only way to achieve the impossible is to believe it IS possible."_

_ "That kind of thinking could ruin you!"_

_ "I'm willing to take that chance. Imagine: trading posts in Rangoon, Bangkok, Jakarta..."_

Scarecrow sighed, and placed a hand over his eyes.

"Oh, boy, we're in trouble..."

"For once, I must agree: this isn't an impossible idea this...Charles fellow is presenting. He's presenting a new idea for economics! These men should be like snarks on a dying Baker! It's genius!"

_Charles Kingsleigh stopped; a small figure in a white nightgown, her golden hair spilling over her shoulders, coughed as she crept towards the door..._

"What in heaven...?"

"Is that...Alice?"

"I _think_ so..."

"She looks like that Regan child from those 'Exorcist' films! Her eyes are all shadowed, the face is blank...is this bad acting and makeup, or did I grab a horror film by mistake?"

_"The Nightmare, again?"_

_ The young girl sniffled, and nodded._

_ Charles sighed, and put down his glass of champagne, moving over to his daughter._

_ "I won't be long," he said to his companions, and led Alice back to her room. He tucked her into bed, and then sat down beside her._

_ "Tell me."_

_ "I'm falling...down a dark hole...then I see...strange creatures."_

_ "What kinds of creatures?"_

_ "Well...there's a dodo bird, a rabbit in a waistcoat, and a smiling cat..."_

_ "I didn't know cats could smile," said the father with a small smile._

_ "Neither did I," sighed the child, and continued. "And there's a blue caterpillar."_

_ "Blue caterpillar?"_

_ "Mm-hm."_

_ There was a short silence._

_ "Do you think I've gone 'round the bend?" whispered the girl._

_ The father bit his lip, and held the back of his hand to her forehead..._

"'Yes, my dear. I'm afraid I do,'" sighed Jonathan, mimicking the man on the screen.

"Why is he taking her temperature, anyway?"

_"I'm afraid so. You're mad. Bonkers. Off your head."_

_ The girl looked about ready to cry..._

_ "But I'll tell you a secret..."_

_ The father paused and smiled._

_ "All the best people are."_

"Oh, yes. We're living proof of that."

_The scene changes; a carriage rides down a green path. The words "thirteen years later" appear on the screen..._

"Thirteen YEARS?"

"What about it?" snapped Crane, already growing irritated.

"I don't know...this is the company who had a mermaid and a prince fall in love in three days, and the filmmaker that got a Skellington and a ragdoll together in only a few weeks. What happened in all that time?"

"Oh, nothing interesting, I'm sure."

_Alice sighed as she stared out the window. Her mother stared at her thoughtfully..._

Jervis shuddered.

"Well, good to see she hasn't mellowed with age," he grumbled. "Seriously, why does this Alice look like a corpse?"

"Well..." began Crane, smirking.

"Never mind, never mind!" the Hatter said hastily, waving his hands dismissively and taking another drink.

The Scarecrow chuckled and leaned back, taking a sip of his own tea. This could prove fun after all...

_"Where's your corset?"_

_ Alice said nothing._

_ Her mother, Helen, frowned, and pulled up her dress..._

_ "And no stockings?"_

"Okay, first of all: they are _stockings._ No one is going to notice with a dress that long. Second...am I the only one growing uncomfortable with the fact that this elderly woman just pulled up the skirt of her daughter?"

"They're mother and daughter, Tetch. Deal with it."

"It still seems...odd..."

_"I'm against them."_

_ "But you're not properly dressed!"_

_ "Who's to say what is proper? What if it was agreed that 'proper' was wearing a codfish on your head? Would you wear it?"_

The Hatter sighed wearily.

"Alice, darling...the corset I understand, but the stockings were really just socks..."

"I thought you just said it wouldn't matter."

"It wouldn't. She still seems to be making a fuss over nothing, though."

_"Please, not today."_

_ "Father would have laughed..."_

_ Alice stopped short, and looked toward her mother._

_ She had bowed her head._

_ "I'm sorry," Alice apologized, sincerely._

"Hold on there...her father is dead?"

"Apparently."

"Well...when did that happen?"

"Clearly, sometime during the thirteen years they skipped over."

"Yes, but WHEN? A lot can happen in thirteen years; when did he die? And how?"

_"I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night."_

"Ah. Well, that would explain the bags under her eyes..."

_"Did you have bad dreams again?"_

_ "Only one...it's always been the same for as long as I can remember."_

_ There was a pause._

_ "Do you think that's normal?" Alice asked. "Don't most people have different dreams?"_

_ Helen sighed and shook her head._

_ "I don't know..."_

"After all, I'M not a normal person..." Tetch said, snootily, mimicking the mother.

_The two finally arrived at the home of the Ascots. Lord and Lady Ascot were waiting outside the door. The woman greeted them with her usual warmth and grace..._

_ "At last," she snorted. "We thought you'd never arrive."_

"We almost didn't," sniffed Crane, mimicking Alice. "Your perfume smells like fish."

_"Alice, Hamish is waiting to dance with you. Go."_

_ Alice bowed, glanced at her mother, and walked off, clearly not eager to dance – or speak – with Hamish Ascot..._

_ "You do realize its well past 4:00?" hissed Lady Ascot. "Now everything will have to be rushed through!"_

_ "I am sorry..." Helen began._

_ "Oh, never mind!" sighed Lady Ascot, tossing her head and strutting away._

"I must go and do something pointless," sniffed Tetch, mimicking Lady Ascot.

_"Forgive my wife," said Lord Ascot, smiling apologetically. "She's been planning this affair for over twenty years."_

"Wow. She needs to get out more."

"Shh!" shushed the Hatter, and took a sip of his tea.

_"If only Charles were here..." murmered Helen Kingsleigh._

_ "My condolences," said Lord Ascot, kindly. "I think of your husband often: he was truly a man of vision."_

"Which is why I refused his offer to make me even richer, and called him an idiot..."

"Shh! Jonathan, please!"

_"I hope you don't think I've taken advantage of your misfortunes..."_

_ "Of course not!" smiled Helen. "I'm pleased that you purchased the company."_

"By which I mean I'm going to sue you for all you own."

_Meanwhile, on the dance stage in the gardens, Alice Kingsleigh bowed mechanically to Hamish Ascot; a red haired young man with a nose like a hawk's beak and buckteeth that would have made a rat squirm..._

"Hm. I'm guessing this guy's going to be the Hatter later on..."

"Oh? Wherever did you get that idea?" smiled Crane.

Tetch rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Jonathan."

_The dance began. The men and women took pairs, advanced twice, then retreated..._

"My, isn't this riveting..." mumbled Crane, resting his head in his hands again.

"It's the Quadrille, Jonathan. A dance."

"It's boring."

Jervis shrugged.

_"Hamish, do you ever get tired of the Quadrille?"_

_ "On the contrary," snorted Hamish. "I find it invigorating."_

"By the way," said Scarecrow, putting his own nose up into the air and mimicking the red-haired man, "Have you noticed how fresh the air is today? Thank God for Febreze!"

_Hamish noticed his mother standing a ways off. They nodded to each other, and the Ascots' son discreetly led Alice off the dance floor._

_ "Alice, meet me under the gazebo in precisely ten minutes," he said, nodded firmly, and left without another word._

_ Alice watched him go, puzzled, and then turned..._

_ To see the Chattaway twins._

_ "We have a secret to tell you," said the first, named Faith._

_ "If you're telling me, then it's not much of a secret," Alice pointed out._

_ "Perhaps we shouldn't?" asked Fiona, her sister._

_ "We decided we should." Faith reminded._

_ "But if we tell her, she won't be surprised!"_

_ "Will you be surprised?" asked Faith._

_ "Not if you tell me," Alice said slowly, confused. "But, now that you've brought it up, you have to."_

_ "No, we don't." smiled Faith._

_ "In fact we won't," giggled Fiona._

"I'm annoyed," growled Scarecrow.

"Oh, worry not, my friend...I don't think they'll be sticking around much longer."

"Good."

_Alice smirked, and looked the twins dead in the eye._

_ "I wonder if your mother knows that you two swim naked in Havershim's Pond?"_

_ Faith and Fiona's smiles faded fast._

_ "You wouldn't!" gasped Faith._

_ "Oh, but I would," Alice grinned. "There's your mother right now," she added, pointing off in the direction Mrs. Chattaway was in._

Jervis stared.

"Er...this IS a Disney film, right?" he asked, clearing his throat and slowly putting down his teacup.

"I'm more curious as to how SHE knew..." Crane said thoughtfully.

_"Hamish is going to ask for your hand!"Fiona blurted out._

_ Alice gaped._

_ "Oh! You've ruined the surprise!" gasped another voice. It was Margaret, Alice's sister. She took her younger sibling by the shoulder, and guided her away from the gossipy twins._

_ "Urgh!" she growled. "I could strangle them! Everyone went to so much effort to keep the secret..."_

_ "Does everyone know?" Alice whispered, horrified._

_ "It's why they've all come!" smiled Margaret. "This is your engagement party!"_

"It's also an ideal time to show off how melodramatic my acting is."

"Jonathan, please!"

_"But I don't know if I want to marry Hamish!"_

_ "Who then? You won't do better than a lord."_

_ Alice glanced over to where Hamish was standing. He blew his nose into a silk handkerchief, inspected the contents, and tucked it away..._

"Oh, my!" gasped Crane, imitating Hamish, "Now THAT'S a Green Giant..."

"Jonathan!"

"What?"

Jervis just shook his head and sighed, taking another sip of his tea as he turned his attention back to the screen.

_"That pretty face won't last forever," Margaret warned, and then whispered softly, "You don't want to end up like Aunt Imogene..."_

_ Alice looked off in the direction of her Aunt, seated under an umbrella at a small table, fanning herself..._

"Yah!" Jervis cried out, jumping slightly in his chair. "It's the Duchess!"

_"So," said Margaret happily, "You'll marry Hamish! You'll be as happy as I am with Lowell, and your life will be perfect!"_

"And you'll finally be able to rid yourself of your zombie-face!"

_"Alice dear!" called Lady Ascot, a horribly forced smile on her face. "Shall we take a leisurely stroll through the garden? Just you and me?"_

_ "I'll leave you to it," whispered Margaret, and departed._

_ Alice watched her sister go, and then joined Lady Ascot. The wealthy woman led her through the rose hedges..._

_ "Do you know what I've always dreaded?" asked Lady Ascot._

_ "The decline of the aristocracy?"_

_ "...Ugly grandchildren. But, you're lovely; you're bound to produce little...IMBECILES!"_

"Ouch."

_"The gardeners have planted white roses, when I specifically asked for red."_

"Oh."

_"You should know that my son has extremely delicate digestion..."_

_ Alice had stopped listening at this point._

_ Just then, something rustled in the bushes._

_ She stopped._

_ "Did you see that?" she asked._

_ "See what?" Lady Ascot replied, arching one eyebrow in question._

_ "It was a rabbit, I think..."_

_ "Nasty things," sneered Lady Ascot. "I do enjoy setting the dogs on them..."_

"Sadist!" snarled the Mad Hatter, glaring daggers at the woman on the screen.

The Scarecrow just smirked, and said nothing.

_"If you serve Hamish the wrong foods, he could get a blockage..."_

"Um...too much information..."

_Alice heard another rustle. This time, she caught a glimpse of something white flashing through the bushes..._

_ "Did you see it that time?"_

_ "See what?"_

_ "The rabbit!"_

_ "Don't shout! Now, pay attention...Hamish said you were easily distracted...now what was I saying?"_

_ "Hamish has a blockage..."_

_ Alice froze._

_ The rabbit appeared in a hole in the hedge._

_ It looked like it was wearing a blue waistcoat..._

_ Then it disappeared again._

_ "I couldn't be more interested, but you'll have to excuse me," she said quickly, and dashed off after it, leaving a confused Lady Ascot behind her._

_ She soon lost sight of it, and found herself back by the dance area._

_ Aunt Imogene sat nearby..._

"Oh, horrors! Frankenstein's bride DOES exist!"

"Jonathan, do be quiet!"

_"Aunt Imogene, I think I'm going mad; I keep seeing a rabbit in a waistcoat!"_

_ "Oh, I can't be bothered by your fancy rabbit now," sighed Aunt Imogene, fanning herself some more. "I'm waiting for my fiancé..."_

_ "You have a fiancé?" Alice asked, genuinely surprised, then, "There! Did you see it!" she cried, catching a glimpse of white and blue rounding a corner off to the left._

_ Aunt Imogene, who had been facing to the right, of course, did not._

_ "He's a prince," Aunt Imogene said, as if nothing had happened. "But, alas! He cannot marry me unless he renounces his throne! Tragic, isn't it?"_

_ "Quite," Alice said, unable to think of anything else._

Scarecrow lifted an eyebrow.

"Huh. Pharmacophobia."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Fear of people on drugs, and drugs in general."

_Alice left her Aunt, and went off in the direction she thought the rabbit had gone. As she passed another path in the hedge, she spotted something interesting..._

_ Margaret's husband, Lowell._

_ Kissing another woman._

_ "Lowell?"_

_ "Oh! Alice!" he gasped, and hurriedly shooed the lady away, awkwardly stepping forward. "We were just...er...Hattie's an old friend..."_

_ "I can see you're very close."_

_ "Look...you won't mention this to your sister, will you?"_

_ "I don't know...I'm confused. I need time to think..."_

"Alice, dear, what exactly is there to think about? You just caught your brother in law snogging another woman! Go! Tell your sister! Save her from sin, you silly girl!"

_"There you are!" snapped Hamish, coming up behind them. He took Alice by the hand and, before she could think, dragged her over to the gazebo..._

_ Where a crowd was waiting._

_ Hamish got down on his knees, and took her hands in his._

_"Alice Kingsleigh..." he began, then paused, noticing her gaze was elsewhere._

_ "Hamish..."_

_ "What is it?"_

_ "You have a caterpillar on your shoulder."_

_ Hamish turned, face twisting in disgust as he made to brush the tiny creature away..._

_ "Oh, don't hurt it!" Alice pleaded, and allowed the caterpillar to crawl onto her index finger, before setting it on the ground behind her, and was quite pleased to see it crawl away into the grass._

_ She then turned back to Hamish._

_ "You'll want to wash that finger," he said, squirming._

"Mmm...now we have mysophobia..."

"Oh, calm down, Scarecrow; they're fictional."

The thin man just shrugged.

_"Alice Kingsleigh," Hamish said, then paused before asking, "Will you be my wife?" and forcing a toothy grin onto his face._

"Not with that smile."

Jervis glared coldly at Crane for about three seconds, then took a long drink from his cup.

_"This is happening so quickly," Alice said, backing away. "I...I think I..."_

_ Then, as everyone at the party gazed at her in confusion, a loud ticking noise grabbed her ears..._

_ She turned._

_ A White Rabbit, in a blue waistcoat and cream-colored cravat, arched an eyebrow at her and tapped the glass of a pocket watch impatiently with one paw..._

"Oh, DeAr! Oh, DeAr! I sHaLl Be ToO lAtE!"

Jonathan glanced at the Hatter, puzzled.

His lips were curled up in a wide grin.

Jonathan arched an eyebrow, then shrugged it off and faced the screen again.

_"I think I...I need a moment," Alice said quickly, and darted after the White Rabbit._

_ The Rabbit bounded off quickly. Alice chased it through the hedge maze, out into the orchard at the very edge of the Ascots' property. She ducked under a branch, and, when she raised her head again, was just in time to see the Rabbit check its watch, and then dive down into a nearby rabbit hole, at the foot of an old, gnarled tree..._

"Hold on...is that the Tree of the Dead?"

"Oh, great...now Wonderland has merged with Sleepy Hollow. What next?"

_"Hello?" Alice called, peering down into the darkness..._

_ Then, she lost her grip, and found herself falling._

_ Down, down, down..._

"WoUlD tHe FaLl NeVeR cOmE tO aN eNd...?"

Jonathan glanced at the Hatter quickly, but said nothing.

_Alice screamed, passing bookshelves, paintings, cupboards, and all a manner of curious objects, all of which seemed to be floating in mid-air..._

_ She grabbed a rope on the way down, but the chord broke, and she continued to descend._

_ She bumped into a piano. It fell towards her...then floated back upwards again..._

"Hmph. That CGI wasn't particularly impressive..."

"Shh!"

_Alice bumped into a bed, then, with another scream, bounced off and fell even farther..._

_ Then – CRASH! – she slammed through a wooden floor._

_ She sat up..._

_ And noticed what looked like a chandelier nearby..._

_ And the fact her hair was hanging downwards..._

"My, it must be humid in that rabbit-hole..."

"Shh! Not now!"

_Alice cried out again, as she fell to the actual floor._

_ Around her was a circle of doors._

_ Alice ran to them and began to try the knobs..._

"Remember, children: if it doesn't 'Push' open, what should you do?"

"Pull!"

"Precisely."

_Alice found a small key on a glass table in the center of the room. She tried it on all the doors, but it would not fit any of them..._

_ Then, behind a dark red curtain, she found a small door – no higher than her knee – and, to her great delight, the key fitted. She got on her hands and knees and opened the door. A stream of bright light flashed into her eyes..._

"GAH! THE SUN!" cried Scarecrow, imitating Bela Lugosi.

The Hatter just rolled his eyes, and poured himself a new cup of tea...

_"It's only a dream," Alice said to herself, finding a small bottle on the table. She took a drink...and coughed, hurriedly slamming it back onto the table._

_ She looked down at herself and gasped..._

_ Where her clothes getting bigger...?_

_ Or was she getting smaller...?_

_ In a matter of seconds, she disappeared into a pile of ladies garments..._

Jervis stared, the teacup halfway to his lips.

"Okay..."

_Alice peeked out from under her dress..._

"I can't look!" Jervis suddenly yelped, putting down his cup and covering his eyes.

Jonathan raised an eyebrow at the image on the screen.

"Um...Jervis, it's safe."

The Hatter cautiously peeped out from between his gloved fingers...

_Alice tied the gray-blue undergarment she had been wearing around her and stepped out into the open._

"Wait...what is she wearing now anyway? I thought all her clothes shrank!"

Jonathan smirked.

"Do you really want to know?" he asked darkly.

Jervis thought about it for a moment, then shook his head.

"No...now that you mention, I don't," he said, and took a sip.

_"You think she'd remember all this from the first time..." whispered a voice._

"Wait...was that Michael Gough?"

"I think so...hold it. 'Last time?' Jervis, is this a sequel to the books?"

"Looks like it," said the Hatter with a shrug, and stirred a little more sugar into his cup.

_Alice noticed a small glass box near the foot of the table. Inside was a tiny cake, printed with the words "Eat Me" in decorative icing. Alice paused a moment...then took a bite..._

_ She cried out as she grew to enormous heights, banging her head on the ceiling, her undergarment stretching farther and farther._

_ She sighed in relief when it did not tear..._

"Oh, no!" snapped Crane. "I don't care if this is Wonderland or not, that DOES NOT happen!"

Jervis sighed dismally.

"I hope you know that I hate it when you're right..."

_Alice grabbed the key and the bottle, took a drink, and, once she was the proper size, ran over to the door and unlocked it._

_ She stepped out into the sunlight..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning:** Just a reminder; this is all purely for satirical purposes. Tim Burton is awesome, and so is this movie...

But that's what I think, not what Jervis thinks; on that note, whenever he starts quoting the books, it means he likes what he's seeing. Just wanted to clear that up...

Anything in italics comes from the film; everything else is Jervis and Jonathan talking.

**Chapter III: Moving Along...**

_ Alice looked in wonder at all around her: strange sights and smells and sounds greeted her. In the distance, hedge carvings of flamingoes and other animals towered high in the air..._

"Huh. Wonder who made those..." murmered Jonathan Crane, taking a drink from his cup.

"Since this is both a Tim Burton and a Disney film, I'd guess the blade-fingered son of Professor Ratigan," snorted Jervis Tetch, eyes shadowed slightly by the brim of his hat as he took a sip of his own tea.

_Alice jumped back slightly as a large, green, pig-like creature ran past her..._

"Come back, Wilbur! Charlotte's made a new web for you!"

The Mad Hatter scowled.

"That was a Mome Rath, Jonathan."

"Looked like a pig to me..."

Jervis scoffed.

"Clearly you haven't read _Through the Looking-Glass..."_

Scarecrow said nothing, but just took another sip.

_"Curiouser and curiouser..."_

_ "I told you she's the Right Alice!" said a voice._

_ Alice turned fast. The White Rabbit stood there, smiling proudly, joined by a blue Dodo bird, a small white mouse in a pink dress, and a bald, fat pair of twin boys in matching black-and-white striped shirts._

_ "I am not convinced," huffed the mouse, arms crossed._

"Why is the Mouse with the Long, Sad Tail a girl?"

"Creative license, Tetch."

_"She doesn't look anything like herself!" a pink rose cried out._

_ "That's because she's the Wrong Alice!" snapped the Mouse._

_ "Hmm...if she was she might be," murmered one of the twins._

_ "And if she isn't, she ain't," said the other._

_ "If she was so, she would be..."_

_ "But she isn't so, nohow!"_

"Well...that was confusing..."

"Their Tweedles, Jonathan. What can I say?"

_"We should consult Absolem," suggested the Dodo._

_ "Exactly!" agreed the Pink Rose. "Absolem will know who she is!"_

"Absolem?" asked Crane, turning to the Hatter for clarification.

"I have no idea," said his friend with a shrug.

_"Who is this Absolem?"_

_ "He's wise," said the Rabbit. "He's absolute."_

_ "He's Absolem!" chorused the twins._

"Does that REALLY explain anything?"

_The Rabbit and his party led Alice down a misty path..._

_ No...not mist, but smoke!_

_ "Who...are...you?"_

_ Alice looked up in surprise._

_ Seated upon a red mushroom was a large, blue caterpillar, wearing a monocle and smoking a Turkish hookah._

"Wait...so Absolem is the Caterpillar?"

_"Absolem?"_

_ "You're not Absolem. I'M Absolem. The question is, who are YOU?"_

"And he's voiced by Severus Snape?"

_"Alice."_

_ "We shall see."_

_ "What do you mean by that? I ought to know who I am!"_

_ "Yes, you ought...stupid girl..."_

"'People might think you are...up to something,'" said Crane in a deep voice.

His smirk fell when he noticed the dull look the Hatter gave him.

"What?"

"Not. Funny."

_"Unroll the Oraculum."_

_ Alice watched as the Mouse and White Rabbit unrolled a large scroll nearby._

_ "The Oraculum," said the Rabbit. "Being a Calendrical Compendium of Underland."_

_ Alice looked at the scroll. A series of images, each enscribed with the name of a different day, were printed upon the scroll..._

_ And, much to her surprise, every image moved._

_ "It's a calendar..."_

_ "Compendium," corrected the Caterpillar. "It tells of each and every day since the beginning."_

"How convenient," remarked the Hatter, and took a drink.

_"Show her the Frabjous Day," ordered Absolem._

_ "Yeah! 'Frabjous' being the day you slay the Jabberwocky!" smiled Tweedledee._

_ Alice turned fast._

_ "Sorry? Slay a what?"_

_ "Oh, yeah!" smiled Tweedledum, pointing toward one particular image. "That being you there with the Vorpal Sword!_

_ "No other swords can kill the Jabberwocky, nohow!"_

_ "If it ain't Vorpal, it ain't dead!"_

_ Alice looked at the image the Tweedles pointed to._

_ She gasped, taking a step back, as a figure in armor swung its sword at a hideous, black, bat-winged beast..._

Jonathan jumped slightly in surprise as a short scream came from beside him.

He couldn't help the cruel smile that came over him when he noticed the Hatter hiding his eyes behind his hat and shaking with fear.

"Have you forgotten who I am, Hatter?" he practically purred.

Tetch peeped out.

"No, but I don't really care right now. Is it gone?"

Scarecrow said nothing.

_"Resolve this for us, Absolem: is she the Right Alice?"_

_ "Not Hardly..."_

"Oh...so, what, that's the end?"

_"I said so!" said Tweedledee._

_ "No, I said so!" snapped Tweedledum._

_ "Contrariwise, you said she might be!"_

_ "No, you said she would be if she was!"_

_ "Hmph! Little imposter! Pretending to be Alice! She should be ashamed!" huffed the Pink Rose._

"Oh, Madness, SHUT UP!" roared Crane.

"How did the Flowers get there anyway?" was all Tetch said, ignoring his friends outburst.

_"I was so certain of you," sighed the White Rabbit._

_ "I'm sorry! I don't mean to be the Wrong Alice!"_

"Well, Michael Gough's Dodo certainly has a lot to say for himself, doesn't he?"

_Just then, an earth shattering roar echoed through the forest._

_ Alice and the party turned to the sound._

_ A huge, muscular beast, with teeth like a shark, the body of a bulldog, spots like a leopard, and the tail of a kangaroo, came shrieking into view, crashing and smashing through everything in its way._

_ "BANDERSNATCH!" screamed Tweedles, and ran away as fast as they could._

_ Alice and the others quickly followed._

"'LoOk OuT fOr ThE jUb-JuB bIrD, aNd ShUn ThE fRuMnIoUs BaNdErSnAtCh...'"

Crane quirked an eyebrow.

"Jervis? You all right?"

The Hatter shook his head rapidly.

"Yes...I'm fine," he said simply, and took another drink of his tea.

_As the Bandersnatch tore through the forest, the animals all split up in fear. The Dodo squawked in terror as a group of Red Knights – living Playing Cards clad in flaming red armor – chased after him. He was so busy keeping his eyes out behind him, he banged into a tree. The Knights quickly caught up with him, and tied him down before he could get away..._

"Ha! Stupid Dodo bird! That'll teach him to try and have a part in this film!"

_"Wait," said Alice to herself. "It's only a dream...nothing can hurt me..."_

_ She turned defiantly towards the Bandersnatch. The hideous beast growled hungrily..._

_ "What's she doing?" muttered the Mouse, and ran over towards them._

_ "Can't hurt me...can't hurt me..."_

_ The Bandersnatch roared...! But, still, Alice held her ground._

_ "RUN, YOU GREAT LUG!" squeaked the Mouse, and skittered up on top of the Bandersnatch. Before the monster could react, the tiny creature whipped out her pin-sword and stabbed it into the Bandersnatch's eye..._

_ And pulled it right out of its socket._

"WHAT IN...?"

"My Lord, Disney IS sick!"

"When did the Mouse turn into Reepicheep's sister?"

_The Bandersnatch roared in pain, its claws flying out blindly. Alice screamed as they raked across her arm, and ran off in fear._

"Yeah, so much for 'it can't hurt me,' hm?"

_Meanwhile, a tall, gangly man reached down and picked up an aged scroll lying on the ground. His face was horribly scarred, and he wore a heart-shaped eyepatch on the right side..._

"So...pirates are in this movie?

"Hey, it's already lost all semblance of the little sense my world has. Why not?"

_Elsewhere, the doors of a throne room swung open..._

_ "SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THREE OF MY TARTS!"_

Jervis giggled.

"Er...Your Majesty, you seem to have...something on your face..."

_The Red Queen stalked down the hall, her triple-sized head turned down so she could inspect the Frog Footman._

_ "Did you steal them?" rapped the Queen._

_ "No, Your Majesty," said the first Frog, monotonously._

_ "Did you?"_

_ "No, Your Majesty."_

_ "Did you steal them?"_

_ "No, Your Majesty."_

_ The Queen marched down to the end of the line of frogs._

_ The last Footman glanced inconspicuously back down the line toward a Footman the Queen had passed..._

_ He seemed to be chewing something._

"Snitch," grumbled Jervis.

_ The Queen nodded to the Footman, and, pretending nothing had happened, walked back down the line slowly until she stopped in front of the Frog he had indicated..._

_ GULP._

_ The Queen smiled coldly, and slowly turned back toward the Footman. She bent down until their eyes were level._

_ The frog was shaking like a lily pad._

_ "Did YOU steal my tarts?" she asked, oh-so-sweetly._

_ "No, Your Majesty."_

_ The Queen cocked her head to one side and stretched out one finger..._

_ And wiped it across a small, purple stain on the Frog's lips..._

_ She licked her finger..._

_ And growled._

_ "Squimberry juice."_

_ "I WAS SO HUNGRY!" sobbed the Footman. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO-!"_

_ "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" bellowed the Queen, and, turning on her heel, dismissed the matter._

_ "I HAVE A FAMILY! NO, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T! I HAVE LITTLE ONES TO LOOK AFTER!" wailed the unfortunate amphibian, as a pair of Cards dragged him, screaming, out of the throne room._

_ "Go to his house, and collect the little ones," said the Queen to another footman – this one a fish. "I love tadpoles on toast almost as much as I love caviar."_

_ "Y-yes, Your Majesty," shivered the Fish Footman._

Jonathan grinned down at Jervis.

The Hatter was staring blankly at the screen.

"Jervis...?"

"YOU SCUM OF A WOMAN!" roared the Hatter, standing up and sending his teacup flying as he glared at the Queen.

After shaking and seething for a moment, he took a deep breath, sat down, and poured himself a new cup of tea.

"Feel better?" teased the Scarecrow.

"No," mumbled Jervis bitterly, and took a drink. "That frog had two weeks till retirement..."

_"Majesty...?"_

_ The Queen looked up, and smiled like a schoolgirl, extending one hand._

_ The man in the eyepatch kissed it gently._

_ "Illosovic Stayne, you Knave..."_

"The Knave of Hearts is a pirate?"

"Well, just because he has an eyepatch..."

_"Majesty, I have found the Oraculum!"declared the Knave of Hearts, and unrolled the scroll, presenting it to the Queen._

_ "That?" said the Queen, arching an eyebrow. "It looks so ordinary..."_

"Yes, because there is absolutely nothing abnormal about a scroll that stretches to infinity and has pictures that move, is there?"

"Please, Jonathan, don't be to critical; this is MY world you're talking about."

_"Look here," whispered the Knave. "On the Frabjous Day..."_

_ The Queen sneered._

_ "I'd know that tangled mess of hair anywhere...is it Alice?"_

_ "I believe it is," said the Knave of Hearts._

_ "What's she doing with my darling Jabberwocky?" asked the Queen, squinting._

_ "She appears to be slaying it."_

_ The Queen stared up, her enlarged face a mixture of both fury and horror._

_ "SHE KILLED MY JABBER-BABY-WOCKY?"_

"Her Whatty-Whoey-Howy?"

"I don't know."

_Stayne watched, smirking, as a troupe of Red Knights dragged the Bloodhound out of the prison. The dog snarled and snapped, only for a sharp tug of the chain on his neck to meet this._

_ "Find the scent of the human girl," the Knave oozed, "And you earn your freedom."_

_ "For my wife and pups as well?"_

_ "Everyone will go home."_

_ The Bloodhound hesitated, then nodded in agreement. A Knight undid the chain, and the blood hound raced off, the cards following closely._

_ The Knave's horse snorted._

_ "Dogs will believe anything," it said..._

"Great heavenly borogoves, even the horses are evil!"

"Are you really that surprised?"

"...I shouldn't be, but I am!"

_Back in the darkness of Tulgey Woods, Alice was walking around, trying to find her way out of the forest. The dying tree branches were like wooden claws, and she couldn't shake the feeling something was watching her..._

_ SWOOMPH._

_ "It looks like you ran afoul of something with wicked claws..." purred a voice._

_ Alice turned fast._

_ Sitting in the bough of a tree was a huge, smiling cat, with turquoise eyes and gray fur striped in blue and black._

"'We'Re AlL mAd HeRe...'"

"Hatter?"

"Mm?"

"You are doing it again."

"Sorry."

_"What did that to you?"_

_ "The Banner-who...the Bander...?"_

_ "The Bandersnatch!"_

_ The cat leapt from the tree...and disappeared in mid-air._

_ Alice jumped slightly as its head – and nothing else – reappeared near her._

_ "Well, I'd better have a look," it growled, and leaned toward her scratch marks intently._

_ "What are you doing?" asked Alice, backing away slightly._

_ The cat chuckled and twirled in mid-air, body swirling back into view as it did._

_ "It needs to be purified by someone with evaporating skills, or it will fester and putrefy," he purred, and smiled into her face innocently._

_ "I'd rather you didn't," said Alice uncertainly. "I'll be fine as soon as I wake up."_

_ "At least let me bind it for you," the Cheshire Cat smirked, and moved behind her. He flicked his wrist, and a blue handkerchief appeared in his hand. Alice held out her arm and allowed him to bind it._

_ "What do you call yourself?"_

_ "Alice..."_

_ "THE Alice?" he meowed, backing away slightly and flashing what looked like a hopeful smile._

_ "There's been some debate about that..."_

_ "I never get involved in politics," smirked the cat, and vanished._

_ But he wasn't gone for long._

_ "You'd best be on your way," he purred, and began to float away._

_ "What way? All I want to do is wake up from this dream!"_

_ The Cat sighed and flipped upside down._

_ "Fine," he grumbled. "I'll take you to the Hare and the Hatter...but that's the end of it!"_

_ He vanished very slowly this time, beginning with the tail and ending with his grin...which eventually vanished as well._

_ For a moment, nothing happened. Alice looked around in confusion._

_ "Coming?" called the Cat. Alice finally spotted him waiting for her at the end of a path in the trees._

_ Gathering up her courage she followed..._

_ The moon flipped upside down, and turned into a cat's grin..._

"Well...that was pointless..."

_The Cheshire Cat led Alice to a hill, and vanished. _

_ At the bottom of the hill, Alice spotted an old windmill. Outside it was a long table, set with all kinds of tea things..._

"Oh, frabjous!" grinned Jervis. "Time for me to see myself!"

Scarecrow took a drink of his own tea, but said nothing.

_Alice approached the tea table. The March Hare was snoring, but, upon hearing someone approach, he woke with a start._

_ A familiar white rodent yawned as she popped out of her teapot..._

"Hold it! The pink-wearing Despereaux was the DORMOUSE? One of the laziest characters in all of Wonderland?"

"Well, this film's ridiculous enough, why not?"

Jervis sighed.

"Oh, well. As long as I look all right," he muttered, bringing his teacup up to his lips...

_At the head of the table, slumped over, was a figure in a dark coat and top hat. Its lips twitched, and it looked up. The man's bright green eyes lit up even brighter as he leaned forward, smiling giddily at the sight of a blonde-haired girl approaching the tea table..._

Jervis coughed and sputtered, sending tea flying everywhere.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DODGSON IS **THAT?!"**

"It's you!" grinned Jonathan, now quite pleased.

"No, it's not!" screamed the Hatter. "It looks like that Bandersnatch of a clown...in a wig made of carrot strings!"

_"It's you...you're back!"_

_ "No, it's not!" squeaked the Dormouse. "McTwisp brought us the Wrong Alice?"_

_ "It's th' Wrung Alice?!" shrieked the March Hare, tugging his ears fretfully._

_ The Hatter shook his head slowly._

_ "It's Absolutely Alice," he said determinedly, then whispered to her, "You're Absolutely Alice! I'd know you anywhere!"_

_ He turned back to his fellow partygoers._

_ "I'd know him anywhere!" he called._

_ The Hare and the Dormouse just laughed._

_ "Well," said the Hatter, dragging Alice to a seat of her own by climbing across the table, "As you can see, we're still having tea, and it's all because I was obliged to kill Time while waiting for your return; you're terribly late you know! Naughty..."_

_ The Hare stood up and poured tea into a bottomless cup...but jumped back into his seat in fear when the Cheshire Cat appeared in the seat next to him, flashing a predatory grin as he poured himself a cup._

_ "Well, anyway," the Hatter went on, "Time became quite offended, and stopped altogether. Not a tick ever since!"_

_ The Hare laughed madly, then stared at the broken teacup in his hand._

_ "Cup," he mumbled._

Jervis giggled, causing Jonathan to look at him.

Jervis just smiled and pointed at the screen.

"The Hare's funny," he said simply.

"...Right..."

_"Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!" sang the Mad Tea Partygoers._

_ "What?" Alice asked._

_ "Down with Bloody Big Head," the Cheshire Cat clarified, blowing away some steam from his cup. "Bloody Big Head being the Red Queen."_

"It's the QUEEN OF HEARTS," snarled Jervis. "Why can't they ever get it right?!"

_The Cheshire Cat sighed and put down his cup, pushing it away and looking at the Hatter with what looked like a pout._

_ "All this talk of blood and slaying has...put me off my tea..."_

_ "Well!"gasped the Hatter in mock horror, staring at the cat with thinly-veiled hostility. "The entire world is falling to ruin, and poor Chessur's off his...tea..."_

_ The cat sighed, and idly checked his claws for dirt._

_ "What happened that day," he said flatly, "Was not. My. Fault."_

_ The Hatter inhaled sharply, fists clenched. His eyes turned orange..._

_ "Oh, dear..." whimpered the March Hare, trying to hide behind his teacup._

Jervis and Jonathan stared in confusion.

"What...?"

_"Ye ran oot on 'em te sa'e yer own skin, ye guddler's-scuttish, pilgar lickering, shukm juggling, slurking ur-pals! BARLOM MUCK-EGG BRIMNI...!"_

_ "Hatter!" squeaked the Dormouse, slapping a teaspoon in her paws for effect._

_ The Hatter jerked, and turned to the Dormouse with a very false smile._

_ "Thank you," he wheezed._

"...What was that?"

"If I had the answer, I'd give it, Scarecrow."

"Huh. And I thought your mood swings were bad..."

"What mood swings?" asked the Hatter, taking a sip from a fresh cup, then coughing and snarling at the cup.

"Not enough cream," he growled.

Crane just rolled his eyes.

_"What's wrong with you, Tarrant?" sighed the cat, stirring some cream into his cup. "You used to be the life of the party...you used to do the best Futterwacken in all of Witzend!"_

"Futter-what?"

_"Futter-what?"_

"That's what I just said!"

_"Futterwacken," cried the Hare, slamming his fist on the table._

_ "It's a dance," the Dormouse explained, irritably, while the Hare danced a jig in his chair._

"Oh. Thank you."

"That wasn't in the books, was it?"

"My dear Professor Crane, I stopped comparing this film to the books long ago. It's useless."

_"Uh-oh..."meowed the Cheshire Cat, as the sound of marching feet and a horse's whinny echoed from the forest, getting closer...closer..._

_ "The Knave," gasped the Dormouse._

_ "Goodbye!" purred the cat, and vanished. The Hare – who had been trying to hide behind him – screamed and leapt back into his chair, trying to sort out the table with the help of the Dormouse._

_ "Hide her!" he cried. "Quick! Hide her!"_

_ "Drink this, quickly!" whispered the Mad Hatter, and force fed Alice a bit of potion._

_ "Oh, dear..." whispered the Dormouse, and poured herself a cup of tea quickly, settling into her seat and acting "normally." The Hare did the same thing._

_ The Hatter, meanwhile, grabbed the now even tinier Alice, and hurriedly stuffed her, and her oversized garments, into an empty teapot._

_ "Let me out!" Alice screamed._

"Please!" Crane said, mockingly. "I want to die painfully in the hands of Jack Sparrow's ugly cousin!"

_"We're looking for the girl called Alice..." the Knave began._

_ "Oh! Speaking of the Queen!" interrupted the Hatter. "Here's a little song we used to sing in her honor: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat..."_

_ "How I wonder what you're at!" joined the Hare and the Dormouse. "Up above-"_

_ The song was cut short by the Knave's arm curling around the Hatter's neck._

_ "If you're hiding her," he hissed, "you'll lose your heads!"_

_ "Already lost them!" said the Hatter cheerfully._

Jervis snorted with laughter.

"All right...I'll give them a point for a funny line."

_"All together now!" said the Hatter as the Knave, disgusted, walked back down the length of the table, picking up the Cat's untouched tea as he did._

_ "Up above the world you fly," sang the Mad Tea Partygoers, "Like a tea tray in the sky! Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle..."_

_ As they sang their distracting tune, the Bloodhound crawled under the tea table..._

_ "Oop!" the Hatter yelped, as a wet nose connected with the teapot in his lap..._

"Um...that looked...perverse..." mumbled Jervis.

_"Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid," growled the Hatter. He and the Bloodhound's eyes met for a moment..._

_ Then the dog ran off in the opposite direction of the windmill._

_ "Follow the Bloodhound!" called the Knave to the Red Knights._

_ And they did._

_ "Sugar?" the Dormouse asked the March Hare._

_ "Yes, please!"_

_ The Dormouse reeled back, and flung two cubes into the Hare's cup._

_ "Ooh, that's lovely!" smiled the Hare._

_ "You're all mad," sneered the Knave._

_ "Thanks very much!" smirked the March Hare, and blew a raspberry at him._

_ Outraged, the Knave smashed the teacup into pieces, got back on his horse, and galloped away to join his soldiers..._

"Another point."

_"You're carriage, my lady," smiled the Hatter, holding out his top hat towards Alice._

_ Alice looked at him, then the hat, then him again._

_ "The Hat?"_

_ "Of course! Anyone can go by horse or rail, but the absolute best way to travel is by hat!" he smiled, then paused for a moment and turned to his friends._

_ "Have I made a rhyme?"_

"Um...I don't think so..."

_The Hatter brought Alice – who sat on the brim of his top hat – out into another area of the Tulgey Woods. The trees were black and twisted, as if they had been burned._

_ "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe," she heard the Hatter mutter softly. "All mimzy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe..."_

_ "Sorry?" said Alice, dropping down onto his shoulder. "What was that?"_

_ "What was what?" asked the Hatter, and then went on: "The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jabberwock, my son, and the frumnious Bandersnatch! He took his Vorpal Sword in hand, the Vorpal Blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"_

_ He turned towards Alice._

_ "It's all about you, you know."_

"Oh, very well," the Hatter muttered to himself, and took another drink. "That paraphrasing wasn't TOO terrible..."

"Says you," smirked Jonathan.

"Oh, he still loses points," Jervis said, waving a hand dismissively. "If he can't even understand a girl from a boy, I refuse to believe we are related."

_"Tell me what the Red Queen has done," Alice said._

_ The Hatter squirmed._

_ "It's...not a pretty story..."_

"Neither is this movie."

_"It was here," the Hatter said, gesturing at the area around them; burned buildings lay shrouded by the mist, the trees were mostly destroyed, felled to the ground as well as burnt. "I was Hatter to the White Queen at the time; the Hightopp clan have always been employed at court..."_

_ The Hatter could remember the day well as he told Alice the story: he could see himself, in a shinier top hat, clapping in beat to the music as his family, the White Queen, and many of his friends – including the Hare, the Cat, the Dormouse, and the White Rabbit – danced and sang and celebrated the triumphant return of the White Knight, who had slain the mysterious creature known as the snark._

_ Then, just as the festivities were at their peak...a hideous roar shook the forest. A dark shadow fell over Tarrant Hightopp... _

Jervis yelped as the Jabberwock BREATHED lightning bolts into the crowd.

"How does something breathe electricity?" Jonathan asked.

"Who cares?" said the Hatter, still shaking as he watched the beast of his nightmares wreak havoc upon the town. "My Hat...was Disney being run by Jack the Ripper when they gave Burton the okay for this project? I mean, look! That thing just blew up the White Knight! And...now it's killing children? By the spawn of Phantasmagoria, even _I _ wouldn't do that!"

"I'm not complaining," shrugged the Scarecrow, nonchalantly.

Jervis harrumphed in response, and crossed his arms angrily..

"Of course YOU aren't..."

Crane smirked, and poured himself a new cup.

_The Hatter returned after the carnage. Bodies and burned rubble lay all around. He moved robotically through the smoldering ruins of his home._

_ Slowly, without once looking down, he reached to the ground, picking up a charred, black top hat...his hat, which he had dropped._

_ He placed on his head..._

Jervis cocked an eyebrow, sipping his tea as the film's Hatter stared hauntingly at him from the screen.

"What do you want, imposter?" he asked. "A crumpet?"

_"Hatter?" Alice whispered, cautiously. When she got no response, she called out, louder, "Hatter!"_

_ The Mad Hatter jerked and cleared his throat._

_ "I'm fine," he said, softly._

_ "Are you?"_

_ The Hatter didn't respond._

_ He tilted his head slightly, and looked around._

_ "Did you hear that?" he asked. "I was certain I heard something..."_

"Those are the Box Offices; they're sad because they have to give their customers' money back."

_"What?" asked Alice._

_ Then she heard it: the familiar, braying bark of a bloodhound..._

_ "Oh!" gasped the Hatter. "Red Knights!"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning:** Just a reminder; this is all purely for satirical purposes. Tim Burton is awesome, and so is this movie...

But that's what I think, not what Jervis thinks; on that note, whenever he starts quoting the books, it means he likes what he's seeing. Just wanted to clear that up...

Anything in italics comes from the film; everything else is Jervis and Jonathan talking.

**Chapter IV: The Plot Thickens(?)**

_ The Hatter grabbed Alice, placing her in his coat pocket, and ran farther into the woods. Not far behind them, the Knave of Hearts' Red Knights, led by Bayard the Bloodhound, chased after them._

_ The Mad Hatter ducked and jumped and batted branches away in his flight. He quickly hid behind a tree, placing a hand over his pocket, as the Knights and the dog ran past..._

"OH, COME ON!" said Scarecrow. "The Dog would have smelled them, surely!"

"Well, he is supposed to be helping them...isn't he?"

"In that case, why is this guy running away? If he's on their side, why is he scared of the dog finding him?"

Jervis blinked, then, without saying word, just took a sip of his tea.

_The Hatter came to the edge of a brook. At the other end, he saw an old tree..._

_ He glanced behind them. The Knights were turning around again, closing in..._

_ The Hatter bit his lip, then removed his hat. He plucked Alice from his pocket and placed her on the brim._

_ "Go south, to Trotter's Bottom..."_

"Where?"

_"The White Queen's Castle is just beyond. Hold on tightly."_

_ Without another word, the Hatter held back his arm, and then threw the top hat like a discus, sending it flying across the brook, where it landed on the ground beside the tree._

_ "DOWN WITH THE BLOODY RED QUEEN!" he shouted to the sky, and the Knights, hearing him, soon surrounded him, shackled him, and then marched him away._

"You unspeakable cad!" shrieked Jervis Tetch, slamming down his teacup.

Jonathan Crane turned toward him in confusion.

"What's wrong now?" he asked, boredly.

"Hatter's rule number one: Never, NEVER EVER, lose your hat, let alone throw it!"

"Well, he had to get her across somehow..."

"Then why not just go around or through that stream? It doesn't look deep at all, and, if he walked through the water, the bloodhound would lose his scent! I would know!"

Crane considered this, then took another drink.

"You have a point..."

"Exac-trically!" said the Hatter. "And not only that: then they could have continued this little adventure together! How does surrendering himself to certain death help in any way?!"

"Well, if someone you were friendly with was in danger, wouldn't you rather lose your hat than them?"

Jervis paused, then smirked.

"Depends on who they were..."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'll leave that to you to figure out, Professor..."

_Exhausted, Alice crept under the top hat and fell asleep. The next morning, she heard a strange, snuffling noise outside...then a familiar black nose slipped under the hat brim and flipped the hat up._

_ Alice glared daggers at the Bloodhound, who looked down at her with sad eyes._

_ "You were supposed to lead them away! The Hatter trusted you!"_

_ "They have my wife and pups..."_

_ "What's your name?"_

_ "Bayard."_

Crane sighed.

"All right, seriously? Bayard? Absolem? McTwisp? These names are getting more and more bizarre by the minute!"

_"Would your name be Alice, by any chance?"_

_ "Yes, but I'm not the one everyone's talking about."_

_ "The Mad Hatter wouldn't have given himself up just for any Alice."_

_ "Where did they take him?"_

_ "To the Red Queen's Castle, at Salazen Grum."_

_ "We're going to rescue him."_

_ "That is not foretold!"_

_ "I don't care! He wouldn't be there if it weren't for me!"_

_ "The Frabjous Day is almost upon us. You must prepare to meet the Jabberwocky."_

"And I don't really care, hence my emotionless voice."

_"From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole, I've been told what I must do and who I must be. I've been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot! I've been accused of being Alice, and of not being Alice...but this is MY dream! I'LL decide where it goes from here!"_

_ "If you diverge from the path..." Bayard growled._

_ "I MAKE THE PATH!"_

"That's the spirit, Alice!" Jervis said, clapping his hands. "Now, if we could just clear up those circles under your eyes..."

_It took all day, but Bayard finally brought Alice to Salazen Grum. The Red Castle was imposing and forbidding..._

_ And the moat outside the castle walls certainly didn't help..._

"What...the...Carroll?"

_Blood filled the moat, and dozens of pale, bloated, severed heads, each with their face twisted in an expression of anguish, floated in the water._

_ "There's only one way across..." Bayard said grimly._

_ Alice gulped._

"Okay!" said Jervis, throwing his hands up in defeat. "I'm convinced: Tim Burton intended this to be Disney's attempt at a horror film. Decapitating innocents is one thing, it's in the books...but burning villages? And now a moat filled with decapitated heads? Who REALLY made this, Wes Craven?"

_After crossing the moat, Alice called back to the Bloodhound..._

_ "Bayard! The Hat!"_

_ The dog barked, picking the top hat up carefully in his teeth, and spun around twice before sending the headpiece flying over the castle walls._

_ Alice nodded to him, and, taking a deep breath, crept through a small hole in the walls into the gardens._

_ Hiding behind a cluster of trees and rosebushes, she saw the Red Queen and her party playing croquet..._

"Oh, look!" grinned Jervis, pointing at the screen. "Mr. Dodo's back!"

_The Queen reached back with the flamingo she used as a mallet...then, WHACK! She sent the hedgehog flying. Alice moved away fast as the poor creature rolled past her._

_ "Splendid shot!" cried one of her courtiers, who bore an enormous, fat belly. Beside him stood a woman with a nose a foot long, and beside her was a portly gentlemen with multiple chins._

"Well, you can't say she doesn't surround herself with the best..."

"Oh, shut up, Scarecrow."

_"I've come to rescue the Hatter," Alice said._

_ The White Rabbit chuckled._

_ "You're not rescuing anyone, being the size of a gerbil."_

_ "Well...do you have any more of that cake that made me grow before?"_

_ "Upelkuchen?"_

"Apple-what?"

"Does it really matter?"

_Alice took a bite...and then another..._

_ "Not all of it!"_

_ But it was too late; swiftly, too swiftly for even Alice herself to comprehend, she found herself growing taller and taller...her dress stretched and stretched..._

_ "Oh, no! Stop! No, no, d-don't do that...!"_

_ RRRRIIIIPPPP!_

_ "Oh, dear," gulped the White Rabbit, and quickly ran out of the brush._

_ Alice blushed, looking down at herself..._

Jervis Tetch stared in utter disbelief.

Ironically, his expression was matched by the Scarecrow.

"That's...just...just..."

"Wrong?" suggested Jonathan Crane.

"Yes. Yes, we'll settle for that."

_"And what is this?" sniffed the Queen._

_ "I-it's a 'who,' Majesty," said the White Rabbit. "This is...um..."_

_ "Um?" said the Queen._

_ "From Umbradge," Alice helpfully put in._

"Nice save."

_"My dear girl," smiled the Queen, "anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court."_

_ Alice smiled back._

_ "Someone find her some clothes!" the Queen said to her lords and ladies. "Use the curtains, if you must, but clothe this enormous girl!"_

"Odd," muttered Crane. "She can tell who Alice is by just looking at her hair in a picture, yet can't recognize her when they meet face to face? How does that work?"

"Shh!" hushed the Hatter.

_"Where are my Fatboys? You must meet them!" said the Queen. "FATBOYS!"_

_ Alice watched, horrified, as the Tweedles plodded into the room..._

"Good heavenly madness!" gasped Tetch. "Their heads have been _branded?_ How much more depraved can this wretched film get? This isn't Wonderland! I know about Wonderland, I've BEEN to Wonderland, and this is NOT Wonderland!"

"Calm down, Hatter..."

"Oh, stop acting like you're trying to make me feel better! We both know you're enjoying this!"

Crane smiled and took a sip of his tea.

"Can't deny that."

_"And who," oiled the Knave, "Is this lovely creature?"_

_ "Um. My new favorite."_

_ "Does she have a name?"_

_ "Um."_

_ "I believe your name," smirked the Knave mischievously, "Has slipped the Queen's mind..."_

_ "Her name. Is. Um. IDIOT!"_

_ The Knave flinched._

_ "From Umbradge," Alice said, with a semi-sympathetic smile._

Jervis growled.

"Not funny, not funny, not funny..."

_"Any luck with the prisoner?"_

_ "He's...stubborn."_

_ "Aw, you're too soft," smiled the Queen. "Bring him!"_

_ Alice watched as the doors to the throne room opened, and a hand of Red Knights escorted the Mad Hatter, his hands cuffed, inside..._

"I have to agree with the Queen: he doesn't look any worse for the wear, does he?"

"You're right: no scratches, no bruises, no blood...his clothes don't even look damaged. For a film that contains a good deal of violence, this is pretty strange..."

"Indeed...the Doctors at Arkham treat us worse than this. And I DO mean the Doctors, not the guards..."

_"I've been considering things that begin with the letter M: moron...mutiny...murder...mmmalice..."_

_ "We're looking for an A word now. Where. Is. Alice?"_

_ "Who? Tha' wee li'l boy?" asked the Hatter, then, with a giggle, returned to his usual voice. "I wouldn't know."_

_ The Queen sneered._

_ "What if I take off your head. Would you know then?"_

_ The Hatter giggled nervously._

_ "Stop that!"_

_ The Hatter stopped._

_ "What a regrettably large head you have," he said, suddenly a smarmy salesman. "I should very much like to hat it."_

_ "...Hat it?" the Queen inquired, genuinely curious._

"Uh...focus, Your Majesty?"

_Meanwhile, at the other end of Underland, the White Queen and her court were walking through the gardens._

_ "The trees seem sad," sighed the Queen, brushing a hand against the leaves. "Have you spoken with them?"_

_ "Yes, Your Majesty," said one of the courtiers, bowing slightly._

_ "Perhaps a bit more kindly?"_

"YAH!" cried Jervis. "The White Queen and Alice must be related; do all the heroic women in this film look like cadavers?"

"Hmm..."

"Oh, calm yourself, Scarecrow; I'm more aggravated than frightened."

Jonathan Crane couldn't help feeling disappointment at that.

_Back at Salazen Grum, Alice was patrolling the croquet grounds. She heard a soft squeak near her foot, and looked down..._

_ It was the hedgehog the Queen had used as a ball earlier that day._

_ "Have you seen a hat around here?"_

_ The hedgehog squeaked, and looked off to one side._

_ Alice followed its gaze, and spotted the hat lying near the hedge..._

"Wait...all the animals can talk...except for the hedgehog and/or occasional monster? How does that work? Does staying with the Red Queen make them lose their power of speech?"

"I don't think so, Jonathan...the Frogs and Fish can still talk, after all."

_"Without the Jabberwocky," fretted the Red Queen, "My sister's followers will surely rise against me."_

_ She sighed and went to the balcony of her chamber, gazing down into the bloody moat below._

_ "Ugly little sister," she snarled. "Why do they adore her and not me?"_

"Well, there IS that security system of yours down there..."

"Jonathan, shame on you!"

Crane stared, genuinely baffled.

"What did I do?"

"You will address the Queen as 'Your Majesty!'"

Scarecrow blinked, and shook his head.

"Whatever you say, Jervis..."

_"Mirana can make anyone fall in love with her. Men, women...even the furniture," mumbled the Queen, glancing back at the monkey's that held up her bed._

_ "Even...the King?"_

_ The Queen's eyes softened slightly, as one particular head, still wearing a golden crown, caught her eye._

_ "I had to do it," she said softly. "He would have left me..."_

Jervis spluttered.

"By GOD..."

"I doubt that very much, Hatter."

_"Oh, let her have the rabble," smiled the Queen. "I don't need them. I have you!"_

_ The Queen giggled like a schoolgirl and embraced the Knave around the waist. Stayne glared down into the moat, eyes locked on the King's crown as lightning flashed through the sky..._

"Hmm...I sense the impending treachery..."

_"They're wonderful," Alice complimented, looking around the room. "You must let me try one on!"_

_ "It is good to be working at my trade again," the Mad Hatter said with a smile._

_ "It's just a pity you have to make them for HER..."_

"Oh, yes, an EXCELLENT way to calm him down Alice. Silly thing..."

"Don't you mean 'calm me down?'"

"THAT IS NOT ME! THAT IS SOME...SOME CLOWN THEY HIRED TO MAKE FUN OF ME!"

_"What is the Hatter with me? Hatter...m...ma...mad..."_

_ Without warning the Hatter leapt from his chair, and swung his arm across the table, sending a mannequin flying. He tore off the belt that held his thread spools, throwing it to the floor, and advanced toward a mirror, cursing and screaming wildly...but stopped short, due to the chain at his ankle, leaving him to throw punches at the empty air._

_ "Hatter!" Alice snapped, spinning him around to face her, cupping his head in her hands._

_ The Hatter's eyes almost instantly went from orange back to green. He took a deep breath..._

_ "Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?" He asked, then, in a soft, childish voice, went on, "I'm frightened Alice...I don't like it in here, it's terribly crowded..."_

Jonathan heard Jervis say something...rude under his breath, and turned towards him.

The Hatter took a sip of his tea, eyes trained on the screen. His expression could only be described as bitter.

_"Have I gone mad?" whispered the Hatter._

"Well, it comes with the name," Jervis said shortly, and took another drink.

Jonathan raised an eyebrow in interest.

_Something...clicked in Alice's mind. She put on the most grave expression she could, and put the back of her hand to the Hatter's forehead._

_ "I'm afraid so," she said, imitating all the doctors she had ever known. "You're entirely bonkers..."_

_ The Hatter's head dipped slightly._

_ "But I'll tell you a secret," Alice went on, and smiled. "All the best people are..."_

_ The Hatter blinked, then, slowly, his mouth turned up in a pleased smile._

_ Alice carefully placed the hat back on his head. He smiled even wider._

_ "There. That's better. You look yourself again!"_

"WoUlD nOt..."

"What?"

Jervis glanced at Crane quickly.

"Nothing," he whispered, and took a drink.

_The happy moment was shattered by a voice screaming down the hall._

_ "Hat-man? Where are my hats? I am not a patient monarch!"_

Crane watched, now somewhat alarmed as the Hatter's hands quivered so violently he spilled tea onto the table.

_"I am told she keeps the Vorpal Sword hidden in the Castle. The Rabbit will help you. Find it, Alice; take it to the White Queen."_

_ "We'll go to the White Queen together."_

_ The Hatter smirked, looking the young lady before him up and down..._

_ "Why is it," he asked, talking more to himself than Alice, "That you are always too small or too tall?"_

Jervis cautiously set down his cup and left the room. He returned with some napkins, which he used to wipe up the spilled tea.

Crane didn't say a word.

_After meeting up with the Tweedles, Alice soon found the White Rabbit speaking with a rather familiar figure, wearing a chambermaid's uniform..._

_ "What are YOU doing here?" squeaked the Dormouse._

_ "I'm rescuing the Hatter."_

_ "I'M rescuing the Hatter!"_

"Is it just me," Crane pondered, "Or does the Dormouse seem just a little too obsessed with the Mad Hatter..."

"Please, Jonathan, don't dwell on that," Jervis implored with a shudder as he sat back down and poured himself a fresh cup.

_The White Rabbit led Alice out to the Castle Stables. He pointed toward a small, hut like structure in the center of the area._

_ "The Sword's hidden inside. Be careful, Alice!"_

_ Alice slowly approached the hut, and peeked through a crack in the door._

_ "I know that smell," she murmered._

_ Sleeping on the ground, moaning from the pain of its missing eye, was the gruesome form of the Bandersnatch._

_ "I'm not going in there!" Alice said. "Look what that thing did to my arm..."_

_ Alice removed the bandage..._

_ The cuts had grown scabbed and pus-filled...the area around them was swollen and red..._

_ "Dear, oh, dear," whispered the Rabbit, "W-why haven't you mentioned this?"_

_ "It wasn't this bad before..."_

_ The Rabbit panted...hyperventilated..._

_ Alice rolled her eyes as the White Rabbit fainted._

"Well, THAT was helpful," muttered Jervis.

_Alice spotted the Dormouse peering inside a door..._

_ "Hatter?" she called. "Where are you, Hatter?"_

_ "Mallymkun!" she called._

"'Mallymkun?' Sillier and sillier!"

_"Do you still have the Bandersnatch eye?"_

_ "Right here," said the Dormouse, picking it up in one hand like a trophy, and patting it proudly with one paw._

_ "I need it," Alice said, holding out one hand._

_ "Come and get it!" snarled the Dormouse, flourishing her blade._

_ Alice sighed, and, with the ease of a swipe, snatched the eye away and took off back down the hall._

_ "Hey! Give it back!"_

"Proof that humans are smarter than animals."

"Most humans..." Jonathan corrected.

"Oh, yes...I forgot about Croc...does he even count?"

The Scarecrow shrugged in response.

_Alice was on her way back to the Bandersnatch stables, when suddenly the Knave of Hearts pinned her to the wall..._

_ "I like you, Um...I like largeness..." he growled, seductively._

"And THIS is proof that Disney's executives need to be where we usually are."

"You can say that for most of this film," Jervis said, rolling his eyes.

_Alice entered the stable quietly._

_ The Bandersnatch growled at her in warning..._

_ "I have your eye," Alice said, holding it out to the beast._

_ The Bandersnatch snarled, and took it in one paw._

_ Alice carefully brushed past the monster, towards where she saw the box that held the Vorpal Blade..._

_ The Bandersnatch hissed in pain as it shoved its eye back into its socket..._

"Ugh," Jervis muttered, shivering as he blew away some steam and took a sip.

_Alice tugged at the lock of the box...but nothing happened._

_ She hissed at the pain in her arm, removing the bandage about it._

_ She gingerly touched it...and recoiled from the pain..._

_ Then, suddenly, things felt more cold...more dark..._

_ She sighed and fell asleep._

"Interesting toxin," commented Scarecrow. "Has almost no effects for days, then, without warning, will make you feel pain and then drowsiness. I could use a Bandersnatch..."

"I'll see if I can get you one," smiled Jervis.

_Back inside the Palace, the Queen was trying out her new hats. First came one sculpted to look like a swan..._

_ "No," said the Queen with a slight shake of her head._

_ The Hatter tossed it aside, and picked up a black top hat with a red band and a crown shaped into a crescent, the inside of the crescent toned scarlet._

_ "You look stunning in that hat!" complimented Big Belly Man._

_ "Yes...next!"_

_ The Hatter rolled his eyes, and tossed this one aside as well, this time trying out a large, floppy hat covered in red and black feathers...which covered her face up to the chin._

_ "Your Majesty has never looked better!" swooned Lady Long Nose._

"I'll toast to that, my dear," grinned Jervis, holding up his cup in emphasis before taking a sip.

_As Lady Long Nose stood up...her nose fell off._

_ Revealing a much shorter one in its place._

_ The Hatter looked at where it had fallen._

_ "Oh...I don't wish to alarm you," he whispered to the courtier. "But it SMELLS as though you might have dropped something."_

_ Lady Long Nose gasped, and hurriedly picked up her prosthetic, putting it back into place._

_ At this moment, the Hatter realized other problems: the straps that held Big Belly Man's namesake in place...the lines where Lord Brow's real forehead met the fake, enlarged one..._

_ The Hatter cackled with laughter; not out of insanity, but out of sheer amusement._

"My...there really ARE no morals in Wonderland, are there?"

"In this one, no. In mine? A few."

_As Alice awoke, she found the Bandersnatch sitting only a few inches away from her._

_ The key to the Vorpal Blade's box was around its neck._

_ She carefully reached for it._

_ The Bandersnatch growled, and she quickly recoiled..._

_ Then, without warning, a long, pink tongue slid from the Bandersnatch's mouth, and began to slide across the area where it had scratched her; with each lick, the area grew less red, less swollen, and even began to hurt less..._

"Fascinating antidote."

"Agreed."

_Alice opened the box, and held up the Vorpal Sword; the blade was made of sparkling silver, with pearls inlaid in the blade. The handle was sculpted in the shape of twisting vines, and the sun sparkled along its edge like a diamond..._

"'He ToOk HiS vOrPaL sWoRd In HaNd, LoNg TiMe ThE mAnXoMe FoE hE sOuGhT...'"

"Okay, seriously, Jervis?"

"Sorry! I can't help it! 'I'm A pOoR mAn...'"

"Stop it!"

_Back in the Red Castle throne room..._

_ "Um forced herself on me!" Stayne said, desperately. "I told her, my heart belongs to you...but she's obsessed with me!"_

The two were silent for a moment.

"...Wasn't there a Dodo and a March Hare in this story somewhere?"

"I think so..."

_Alice found the Hatter in his room. The Dormouse was there, too, trying to pick the lock with her pin-sword._

_ "Stand back, Mallymkun!" Alice said, raising the Vorpal Sword over her head. "How's this for muchness?"_

_ "No, no!" the Hatter said, hurriedly. "It musn't be used for anything, except-" _

_ Just then, the doors swung open, and the Knave of Hearts and two Red Knights barged in._

_ "Arrest that girl for unlawful seduction," Stayne snarled, smirking at Alice._

_ She glared at him coldly._

_ "Hatter!" squeaked the Dormouse as the madman stood slowly._

_ "Take it to the White Queen," he growled at Alice._

_ "I'm not leaving you-"_

_ "GO!" the Hatter said, and flung open two rolls of fabric, the wooden dowels conking the Knights in their helmeted faces, knocking them over. _

_ Stayne advanced menacingly. The Mad Hatter grabbed a sombrero and flung it at the Knave like a Frisbee. The Knave drew his sword and sliced the hat in half as it flew his way._

_ The Hatter reached for a mannequin nearby...but his chain got caught._

_ Mallymkun quickly untangled the chain, and the Hatter grabbed hold of the dummy, just in time to block a strike from the Knave's sword._

_ The Knave's sword got caught in the dummy, and the Hatter pulled him toward him, beginning to smack him across the face with a powder puff..._

"Egad...this has got to be the silliest fight scene I have ever seen!"

"Well, the mannequin and the fabric rolls actually might work, but...a powder puff? A sombrero? They might distract him, but what damage can they inflict?"

_"Run, Alice!" the Dormouse shouted...then clapped her paws over her mouth in horror._

_ The Knave slowly turned, grinning like the Cheshire Cat himself..._

_ "Alice?"_

"I hate this Dormouse," grumbled Jervis. "I really do. She annoys me."

"The feeling is mutual, trust me."

_"Run!" shouted the Hatter, and hurriedly began to spray perfume into the Knave's good eye. The Knave growled, and flung the Hatter to the ground._

_ "Seize her!"_

_ As Alice exited the Castle, she found a full deck of Knights waiting for her..._

"His voice carries that far?" Jonathan said. "He didn't yell, or anything..."

"I'd stop questioning logic, Jonathan; its Wonderland, and even I don't see much sense in it. You might as well just accept the lunacy as it comes."

"I accepted lunacy long ago. I'm just wondering if the writers and/or director are aware that THEY are equally insane..."

_The Bandersnatch barreled out of its stable with a roar. Alice leapt onto its back and the frumnious beast smashed its way out of Salazen Grum._

_ "Ho! Alice!" called a voice._

_ "Bayard!" Alice called back. "To Marmoreal!"_

"Hold the trolley...how did he get there? When? Why?"

"Do you really care?"

"...No."

_"Majesty! Alice has escaped..."_

_ The Queen stared...and smacked the Knave across the face._

_ "...On the Bandersnatch..."_

_ SMACK!_

_ "With the Vorpal Sword."_

_ The Queen snarled..._

_ **SMACK!**_

_"HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?" hissed the Queen._

_ "I may have underestimated her," Stayne begrudgingly admitted. "But we have her conspirators: the Hatter..."_

_ The Queen gaped._

_ "...And a Dormouse."_

_ The Queen's roar echoed through the Castle._

_ "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"_


	5. Chapter 5

**Warning:** Just a reminder; this is all purely for satirical purposes. Tim Burton is awesome, and so is this movie...

But that's what I think, not what Jervis thinks; on that note, whenever he starts quoting the books, it means he likes what he's seeing. Just wanted to clear that up...

Anything in italics comes from the film; everything else is Jervis and Jonathan talking.

**Chapter V: All Films Must Come to an End**

_ In Marmoreal, Alice – still garbed in a dress made of curtains and several times taller than she should have been – entered the throne room of the White Queen._

_ "Welcome to Marmoreal," the Queen greeted warmly, dark lips peeling back in a smile._

"Where even your pale skin has some semblance of color," snickered Jonathan Crane, taking a sip of his tea.

"Well, she IS the White Queen," Jervis Tetch reminded, and took a sip himself.

_"I believe this belongs to you," said Alice, handing the Vorpal Sword to the Queen._

_ The Queen ran her hand along the blade, and sighed, before moving over toward the army of a White Knight._

_ "The Vorpal Sword is home again," she announced to her court. "The Armor is complete!"_

_ She placed the sword in the hands of the Armor, and turned back toward Alice._

_ "Now," she said. "All we need...is a champion."_

_ Alice tried to smile, but didn't quite succeed._

_ "You're a little taller than I thought you'd be."_

_ Alice smirked, glad the subject had changed._

_ "Blame it on too much upelkuchen."_

_ "Ah!" said the Queen, and took the oversized girl's hand in her own, guiding her down the halls of the White Castle._

_ As she opened the large doors to the kitchen, the Queen instinctively ducked._

_ Alice jumped back slightly as a pot full of soup crashed into the opening door._

_ "Is the March Hare here?" Alice asked, already knowing the answer._

_ "Gae! Yer late fer yer soup, ye wee besom!"_

"Oh, frabjous!" grinned Jervis, fidgeting with pleasure. "The Hare is back!"

_"Hmm," mumbled the White Queen, "Pishsalver...let me see..."_

"...And he's gone in a flash," said Jervis with a sigh.

"Well, look on the bright side: at least he has more time than Michael Gough..."

"I suppose that is true..."

_"My sister preferred to study Dominion Over Living Things," said Mirana casually. "Tell me: how does she seem to you?"_

_ "Perfectly horrid."_

_ "And her...head?"_

_ "Bulbous."_

_ "I think she may have some kind of growth in there...something pressing on her brain."_

"Well, I guess THAT explains a lot..."

_"You can't imagine the things that go on in that place!"_

_ The White Queen looked at Alice gravely._

_ "Oh, yes, I can."_

Jervis squirmed, much to Crane's amusement.

"That's...disturbing..." the Hatter whispered, taking a long drink.

"Isn't it though?" purred the Scarecrow.

_"Blow," instructed the Queen, holding out a spoonful of pishsalver to Alice._

_ Alice did, and took a sip. The Queen smiled and pirouetted around the table toward her..._

"Why does she walk like a lobotomized fawn?"

"Don't know, don't care."

_"There's someone here who would like to speak with you," said the Queen, guiding Alice out the door of the Palace and into the gardens._

_ She led Alice over to a path in the trees, smiled encouragingly, and left._

_ Alice headed down the path, and soon smelled a familiar, smoky scent..._

_ "Absolem?"_

_ "Who...are...you?"_

"Oh, look! It's Snape's pet caterpillar."

_"I said you were Not Hardly Alice, but you're much more her now. In fact, you are Almost Alice."_

"I don't know whether or not to buy that album...yet..."

"I wouldn't. I don't think you'd like it."

"Have you listened to it?"

"No, but I know one of the songs is sung by Avril Lavigne."

"Who?"

"Exactly."

_Alice coughed as the Caterpillar blue a ring of smoke into her face._

_ "Will you stop doing that?" she snapped._

_ Absolem just laughed, the smoke swirling around him..._

_ In the Red Queen's dungeon..._

"Well that was a poor transition..."

"Hush, hush!"

_The Mad Hatter lay slumped in his cell, staring blankly at the floor. The Dormouse hung inside a birdcage above his cell, pacing nervously. In the cell next to him, Bielle – Bayard's mate – and their pups lay in a cluster, trying to keep each other warm._

_ SWOOMPH._

_ "I have always admired that hat..."_

"'WoUlD yOu TeLl Me, PlEaSe, WhIcH wAy I oUgHt To Go FrOm HeRe?'"

"Okay, Jervis, I swear if you do that again, I'm going to gas you!"

"Sorry, Jonathan..."

_"It's a pity about all this," sighed the Cheshire Cat, floating in circles around the Mad Hatter. "I was looking forward to seeing you futterwacken..."_

_ "I was rather good at it, was I not?" said the Hatter ruefully._

_ "I really DO love that hat..." purred the Cat softly, seductively, leaning in closer._

_ The Hatter glared, and clutched his namesake closer to his chest._

_ "I would wear it to all the finest occasions," the feline added, flipping upside down._

"...The Cheshire Cat has a hat fetish?"

"Why not?" Scarecrow said with a shrug. "We've already got macrophelia, microphelia, beastiality, and possible incest."

"Hmph. Good point."

_The next morning, as the sun broke over the walls of the Red Castle..._

_ "I love a morning execution, don't you?" the Red Queen said to her court._

_ "Yes, Your Majesty," they chorused._

_ The Queen nodded toward the Knave of Hearts on the ground, who responded in like, and then waved his glove like a flag._

_ The Mad Hatter and the Dormouse were marched over toward the execution podium, the entirety of the Castle's denizens watching with expressions of sadness, anger, and often fear..._

"Oh, just wonderful," sneered Jervis. "As if this film wasn't depressing and deranged enough, now we're actually watching an execution."

"I have to admit, you have a point, Hatter...what's the rating of this movie, anyway?"

Jervis, curiosity piqued, picked up the black case near him, and soon found the rating.

"...PG."

There was a pause.

"WHAT?" both cried out.

"Decapitated heads in a moat, a village being razed to the ground, a great deal of possible sexual undertones, eye gouging, eye REPLACING...and all under a PG rating?!"

"What is the world coming to?"

"Oh, shut up, you!" the Hatter growled, slamming the case back down. "If you must enjoy my displeasure, please, at least attempt to mask your own joy!"

Scarecrow just smiled and shrugged.

Jervis sighed irritably.

"Bloody Boojum," he grumbled.

_"Off with his head," the Queen called down to the Executioner, sounding bored._

_ "I can't watch," whimpered the White Rabbit, covering his eyes._

"Neither can I," Jervis said, and did the same.

_The Executioner held his axe high over his head...then, with a grunt of exertion brought it down..._

_ SMACK!_

_ Everyone stared in shock._

_ The Hatter...had disappeared._

_ But his top hat remained, and, very slowly, it began to float into the hair, spinning around and around..._

"Jervis, look..."

The Hatter peeped through his fingers.

_The Hat flipped over as it reached its highest point, over the entire castle..._

_ Revealing a different head beneath it._

_ "Good morning, everyone!" laughed the Cheshire Cat._

_ "Chess! You dog!" squeaked the Dormouse._

_ The Cat winked._

"Oh, so the Hatter escapes execution. Well, that's all well and good...but it doesn't fix the fact we still have a MOAT filled with SEVERED HEADS, you ridiculous picture!"

_"Madam..."_

_ The Queen and her courtiers let out a yelp of surprise as the Hatter popped up near them._

_ "You are being heinously bamboozled by these lickspittle toadies you surround yourselves with!" he declared, and, giggling madly, snatched one of Lady Long Ears ears off, tossing it at the Queen's feet._

_ "What is that?" hissed the Queen, angrily._

_ "I'm not the only one, Majesty! Look!" pleaded Lady Long Ears, and jabbed a finger toward Lady Long Nose, knocking her trademark loose._

_"A counterfeit nose!" exclaimed Big Belly Man. "You should be ashamed!"_

_ "Me? What about that big belly you're so proud of?"_

_ Lord Multi-Chins gasped...and his multiple chins tore loose and fell off. Desperately, he ripped the cleavage off Lady Breast..._

"WHOA THERE...!"

Jervis yelped, dropping his cup and hiding his eyes.

_As the Queen raged at the deception of her court, the Hatter swung down a flagpole to the ground._

_ "To th' abused an' enslaved in th' Red Queen's court: all o' ye, stand up an' fyght! Ryse up, agains' th' Bloody Red Queen!"_

_ Cheers and applause greeted this speech. The Frog and Fish Footmen threw up their coats and danced, the Flamingoes and other birds dropped their lighting fixtures and rested their wings._

_ "DOWNAL WYTH BLUDDY BEHG HID!" they sang._

"'OfF wItH hEr HeAd!'"

"Enough!"

_"Release the Jub-Jub Bird!" shrieked the Queen._

_ A hideous, avian scream tore through the air, and the wild bird swooped down, talons splayed, sharp beak wide open..._

"Wait...that's the Jub-Jub Bird? It looks like a turkey and a king vulture inbred!"

"Well, considering the Knave of Hearts looks like Jack Sparrow's misplaced brother, and the Mad Hatter looks like a Cirque du Soleil acrobat, are you really that surprised?"

_"Prepare the Jabberwocky for battle," snarled the Queen, not noticing the group escaping her Castle. "We're going to visit my little sister."_

_ Back in Marmoreal, the White Queen, Bayard, and Alice gazed out into the night sky._

_ "I HAD hoped to have a Champion by now," mumbled the Queen._

_ "Why can't you slay the Jabberwocky yourself? You must have the power..."_

_ "It is against my vows to harm any living creature," the Queen said...just as a firefly buzzed in her face. She swatted at it, and quickly covered it up with a pirouette._

"Pale hypocrite," grumbled Jervis, pouring himself a fresh cup.

_"We have company," smiled the Queen, and twirled away. Alice looked through the telescope._

_ A familiar, orange haired man was heading towards them..._

_ She grinned._

_ "Have a look, Bayard," she said with a smile, holding the telescope down for the dog._

_ The bloodhound looked through the spyglass, and began to pant with joy._

_ "Bielle!" he said, and ran off downstairs after the White Queen. Alice soon followed._

_ In Marmoreal's gardens, Alice made a beeline for the Mad Hatter, who smiled at her happily._

_ "I'm so happy to see you! I thought they were going to..."_

_ "So did I," panted the Hatter, "But they didn't! And, now, here I am, still in one piece! And I'm rather glad about that now that I'm seeing you again...I-I-I would have regretted not seeing you again!"_

Jonathan heard a soft sigh beside him. He looked over at Jervis.

The Hatter wiped a gloved finger over one eye, and took a drink of his tea.

_"Where's your hat?"_

_ As if on cue, the top hat floated down out of the sky. As it returned to the Hatter's waiting hands, a swirl of blue-gray mist appeared..._

_ "Chessur!"_

_ "How's the arm, love?"_

_ "All healed," smiled Alice._

_ The Cat purred, nodding, and ran his fingers lovingly across the top hat's crown._

_ "Goodbye...sweet hat..." he meowed, and vanished._

"Yeah...I wouldn't put that hat on just yet if I were the Hatter..."

"I AM the Hatter...and frankly, neither would I."

_Later that evening, Alice stared up into the cloudy night sky, watching the moon between the clouds._

_ The Mad Hatter smiled, walking up toward her, holding his top hat under one arm, like a gentleman coming to court a fair maiden..._

_ "Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?" he inquired softly._

_ Alice smiled at him, and turned away again._

_ "Let me think," she said._

Jonathan heard a soft gulp, and turned again.

The Hatter was staring listlessly into his teacup.

"Uh...Tetch? You all right?"

"Just fine," mumbled Tetch. "Peachy..."

_ "You know what tomorrow is, don't you?"_

_ Alice frowned._

_ "The Frabjous Day. How could I forget?"_

_ She sighed._

_ "I wish I'd wake up..."_

_ The Hatter frowned in confusion._

_ "You still think this is a dream, do you?"_

_ "Of course; this has all come from my own mind."_

_ The Hatter bit his lip thoughtfully._

_ "Which would mean...I'm not real..." he whispered._

_ "Afraid so," Alice said with a smirk. "You're just a figment of my imagination. I WOULD dream up someone who's half-mad."_

_ "Yes, yes...but you would have to be half-mad to dream me up!"_

_ "I must be then," Alice said with a chuckle._

_ The Hatter smirked back at her._

_ They were silent for a while, just gazing up at the moon together._

_ "I'll miss you when I wake up."_

" 'WoUlD nOt...CoUlD nOt..."

Jonathan didn't bother telling the Hatter to stop.

"What was that?" he questioned, instead.

"Nothing, Jonathan. Nothing," sighed the Hatter, and took a drink of his tea.

_The next morning, the White Queen's court, and all the refugees, gathered in the gardens._

_ "Who will step forth to be Champion for the White Queen?" the White Rabbit asked._

_ The Mad Hatter stepped forward._

_ "That would be I," he grinned, holding up a hand._

_ "You have very poor evaporating skills," growled the Cheshire Cat, swirling into view with a confident smile. "I should be the one..."_

Jervis sighed (not dismally, much to Jonathan's relief).

"Look, Burton...Disney...we already established that Alice is the chosen one. This scene has no reason. Just get the movie over with!"

_"No other slayer, nohow!" said Tweedledee._

_ "If it ain't Alice...it ain't dead," said Tweedledum._

_ Alice gulped as every single eye in the castle turned toward her._

_ "Alice," the White Queen said quietly. "You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours, because when you step out, to face that creature...you WILL step out alone."_

_ Alice said nothing._

_ She backed away slowly...and ran off elsewhere in the gardens._

_ She ran into a spot of the gardens that overlooked a waterfall, pacing back and forth._

_ After a moment, she sat down on a bench nearby, and began to cry..._

_ "Nothing was ever accomplished with tears," said a familiar voice._

_ Alice looked up, and saw the Caterpillar, hanging upside down in a half-finished chrysalis._

_ "Absolem? Why are you hanging upside down?"_

_ "I've come to the end of this life."_

_ "Y-you're going to die?"_

_ "Transform."_

_ "Don't go!" pleaded Alice. "I need your help! I don't know what to do!"_

_ "I can't help you if you don't know who you are, stupid girl," snorted Absolem._

_ "I'm not stupid! My name is Alice, I live in London, I have a mother named Helen and a sister named Margaret! My father was Charles Kingsleigh; he had a vision that stretched all over the world. I'm his daughter. I'm Alice Kingsleigh."_

_ "Alice...At Last!"_

"Okay, how exactly did saying her name and basic information about herself prove she was the Right Alice? If that's all they needed, then why didn't they just ask?"

"You're right; they act like being the 'Right Alice' requires acceptance of self, or a childlike quality, or whatever cliché you want...yet, in the end, just saying her name, her family members, and her place of residence prove it? How does that work?"

_The Queen and her army looked back into the castle._

_ With a rush and a roar, the Bandersnatch raced to the front of the lines._

_ All eyes turned toward his rider._

_ The Queen smiled at the armored figure, who smiled back, sheathing the Vorpal Blade into its scabbard._

_ With a determined nod, and a whip of her horse's reigns, the Queen and Alice led the Resistance into battle._

"'TwAs BrIlLiG, aNd ThE sLiThY tOvEs DiD gYrE aNd GiMbLe In ThE wAbE. AlL mImZy WeRe ThE bOrOgOvEs, AnD tHe MoMe RaThS oUtGrAbE...'"

Jonathan sighed.

"You never stop, do you?"

Jervis shrugged, smiling slightly, and took a drink of his tea.

_"On this, the Frabjous Day," declared the White Rabbit, "the Queens, Red and White, shall send forth their champions to do battle on their behalf!"_

_ "Oh, Racey...we don't have to fight..." said the White Queen, batting her eyes innocently._

_ The Red Queen glared coldly, putting her nose up into the air._

_ "I know what you're doing," she snorted. "You think you can blink those pretty little eyes at me, and I'll melt, just like mummy and daddy did."_

_ The White Queen's eyes hardened slightly._

_ "Please?" she asked, holding out her hand._

_ The Red Queen growled._

_ "NO!" she bellowed. "IT IS MY CROWN! I AM THE ELDEST! **JABBERWOCKY!"**_

_All eyes turned as a deafening roar fell over the battlefield..._

Jonathan didn't even have to look to know Jervis was shaking.

The tea drops falling onto the table told him that.

He smiled coldly.

"Jervis..."

"N-n-not now, Jonathan, p-please..."

_The Jabberwocky shrieked at the sky, and began to stalk toward the center of the field; it's black, bat-like wings spread out, its evil red eyes focused on the Blade in Alice's hand, a purple, snake-like tongue darting in and out of its fanged maw, its spiked tail waving in the air like a medieval flail..._

_ "This is impossible," Alice whispered to herself._

_ "Only if you believe it is," the Hatter told her._

"Oh, I believe it!" Jervis said with a shudder.

"Now THAT'S frightening."

"Glad to have inspired you, Crane."

_"Six impossible things," Alice whispered to herself as she walked toward the frumnious beast. "Count them Alice: one, there's a potion that can make you shrink. Two, a cake that can make you grow..."_

_ "So, my old foe!" hissed the Jabberwocky, stamping its claws. "We meet on the battlefield once again!"_

"Is that Christopher Lee?"

"I do believe it is, Tetch."

_"We've never met..."_

_ "Not you, insignificant bearer!" the monster snarled. "My ancient enemy...the Vorpal One..."_

"Oh, Frabjous Day!" the Hatter cried. "Carroll's most diabolical creation, voiced by one of the world's most terrifying actors! Oh, this should be good..."

_"That's enough chatter!"_

_ Alice slashed out with the Vorpal Sword. The Jabberwock burbled angrily as its tongue fell from its mouth, cut clean in two..._

"CHEATERS!"

_Alice gasped, the wind knocked out of her, as the Jabberwock spun around, enraged, and smacked her with its tail._

_ "Oof...three," she mumbled, "Animals can talk..."_

_ The Jabberwocky roared, and Alice rolled out of the way just in time as its foot slammed into the ground._

_ "Four...four, Alice," she groaned, standing back up..._

Jervis sighed.

"You know, there's something missing in this battle: You, Alice. Fighting back."

_"Cats can disappear."_

_ Alice swung the blade around her head twice, and then lunged fast. The Jabberwocky quickly avoided the strikes._

"That's better."

_"Five," Alice murmured, and shielded a blast of lightning from the Jabberwocky. "There's a place called Wonderland..."_

_ She lunged quickly, but the Jabberwocky dodged._

_ "Six...I can slay the Jabberwocky."_

_ Alice slashed at the beast multiple times, advancing quickly. The creature ducked and dodged just as fast. It snarled, and lunged at her, jaws snapping. Alice moved away, and swung the blade round again. She lunged...but too far! The Jabberwocky avoided the strike easily, and knocked her away with a claw, sending her flying, the Vorpal Sword skittering across the ground, out of her grasp..._

"Ouch!" Jonathan mumbled, and chuckled to himself.

Jervis meanwhile, watched the screen with rapt attention.

_As Alice reached for her sword, the Hatter jabbed at the Jabberwocky's tail with his claymore, and quickly ducked a strike from the appendage as the beast roared in pain..._

_ "The Hatter's interfering! Off with his head!"_

"Oh, really?" sighed Jervis. "He barely touched the beast!"

"And now we have chess pieces and playing cards hitting each other with spears, but not using the blades...this isn't war," Scarecrow sneered. "It's children playing soldiers!"

_The Jub-Jub Bird screamed, and swooped down towards the Dormouse, who rode upon Bayard the Bloodhound's back, flinging hatpins and knives at the Red Knights. The rodent swordswoman snarled, and flung her pin-sword like a javelin..._

_ Sending it straight through the Jub-Jub Bird's eye._

"Ech," Jervis said, hissing through his teeth and taking another sip. "The Dormouse seems to like going for the eyes, doesn't she..."

"Remind not to get on her bad side should we meet," Jonathan said, with only the slightest of teasing tones.

Tetch rolled his eyes, while Crane poured himself a fresh cup.

_The Mad Hatter and the Knave of Hearts locked swords. With a smirk, the Hatter jabbed a pin through the Knave's eyepatch, into the socket behind it. The Knave cried out in pain, and, with a sweep of his blade, the Hatter threw him to the ground. With a vicious grin, eyes blazing, the Hatter brought his claymore up, aiming the point at the Knave's neck..._

"Kill him, kill him, kill him," chanted Jervis, smiling fiercely.

Jonathan raised an eyebrow, but said nothing, only taking a sip of his tea.

_The Jabberwock lunged at Alice, trying to knock her off the old tower, but she moved aside, and leapt onto its neck. The creature growled in annoyance, and tried to shake her off..._

_ As its head whipped back, Alice jumped off on her own, seeing her chance..._

_ "OFF WITH **YOUR** HEAD!"_

_ Alice's shout echoed across the battle field, and all eyes turned toward her..._

_ With a sickening slice, the Vorpal Sword came down, cleaving the Jabberwock's neck like a sausage._

_ The body of the Jabberwock twitched, writhed, and fell from the tower, crashing to the ground, while its head rolled down the spiral stairs._

Jervis gaped.

"That...was..."

"Amazing? Awesome? Incredible?" Scarecrow suggested.

"Yes...we'll run with that..."

_ The Hatter's eyes slowly went from orange back to green, and he looked down at the Knave._

_ Without a word, the Hatter backed away, dropping his claymore with a clatter._

"Ah...why didn't he kill him?"

"Because he's a very stupid clown...oh, I'm sorry, _hatter," _snarled Jervis, and cursed under his breath before taking another sip.

_The crown floated into the air, off of the Red Queen's head. She made a grab for it, but it was too late._

_ All watched in awe, as the crown changed from gold to silver._

_ The Cheshire Cat swirled into view, holding the crown in his paws, and gently placed onto the White Queen's head, before vanishing once again._

_ The Queen sighed...then fixed her sister with a cold, cruel glare._

Jervis gulped nervously

"Oh, dear, dear..."

_"Iracebeth of Crims," she declared, "Your crimes against Underland are worthy of death. However, that is against my vows...therefore, you are banished to the Outlands. No one is to show you any kindness, or ever speak a word to you."_

"Um...are we supposed to feel sorry for her?"

"I wouldn't..."

_"You will not have a friend in the world," Mirana hissed._

"...But, then again..."

_"Majesty?" the Knave oozed. "I hope you bear me no ill will..."_

_ "Only this one, Illosovic Stayne," said the White Queen with a cold smile. "You are to join Iracebeth in banishment, from now until the end of Underland."_

_ The Knave blanched, but, before he could get away, a Chessman shackled him and the Red Queen together._

_ "At least we'll have each other," Iracebeth smiled sadly, batting her eyes._

_ Stayne's expression could only be described as horror._

_ Without warning, he reached into his cloak and pulled out a long, jagged knife. The Red Queen screamed._

_ The Hatter smirked and flung a pair of scissors at the Knave. The blades stuck in his wrist, and stayed there._

_ With a roar of pain, the Knave dropped his knife, and fell to his knees._

_ "MAJESTY, PLEASE!" he howled, pleading with the White Queen. "KILL ME, PLEASE!"_

_ "But I do not own you a kindness," said the Queen, with a sarcastic smile of apology._

_ "TAKE OFF MY HEAD!"_

_ "You tried to kill me..." the Red Queen mumbled, then looked at her sister. "He tried to kill me!"_

_ As the now-reverted Red Knights dragged them away, the Red Queen's screams of "HE TRIED TO KILL ME!" continued to echo over the bloody battlefield._

"Heavenly madness...the White Queen's almost as bad as her sister, if not worse! Are these characters really sure they know who is best to run things?"

"Who cares? The film's nearly over. Though, I must admit, I'm curious...what was that 'Futterwacken' dance they mentioned...?"

_"Oh, Frabjous Day!" cried the Hatter. "Calloo! Callay!"_

_ And, without any other warning, he broke into a vigorous dance: flipping his hat off his head and twirling his wrists, dropping to his knees._

_ "What is he doing?" Alice asked the Cheshire Cat, amused._

_ "Futterwacken," the Cat purred._

"...What?"

_The Hatter continued his dance; not a sinew of his body was still. His arms and legs kicked, swung, and turned. At one point, his head spun 360 degrees on his shoulders. Holding his hat high above his head, he spun around, and finished off with a graceful bow. With a dramatic flair and a proud smile, he twirled his hat and placed it back on his head, where it belonged._

"...WHAT?"

"THAT was the Futterwacken?"

"No, my dear Scarecrow. THAT was an UNHOLY CRIME TO LEWIS CARROLL! What WAS that? How...? Where...? When...?" Jervis spluttered, growing more and more frenzied as he spoke. "WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT? That has to be one of the greatest let-downs in all of my collection! And I've seen a few in my time!"

"Well, it WAS stupid..."

"THANK YOU, OH SCARECROW!" Jervis yelled at the top of his lungs, bowing mockingly. "Now you are not only the Master of Fear, you are the Captain of the OBVIOUS! Oh, I wish I had the Disney executives here...Tim Burton, too! Ooh, I'd make them watch that scene over and over, until their EYES started to BLEED, AND _THEN_ I'd slap a few control cards behind their ears, and order them TO LEAP OFF A CLIFF...**TWICE!"**

"Calm down, Jervis," Scarecrow soothed, and almost meant it.

"DON'T _YOU_ TELL _ME_ TO CALM DOWN...!"

"Just sit back down. Show's almost over..."

Jervis gulped, took a few deep breaths, nodded, and sat back down, taking a LONG drink of his tea.

"Futterwacken," he snarled quietly. "Really?"

_The White Queen approached Alice with a vial, newly filled with a bright purple fluid._

_ "The Blood of the Jabberwocky," she said simply. "You have our everlasting gratitude, for your efforts on our behalf."_

_ Alice took the vial, and looked back up at the Queen._

_ "Will this take me back home?"_

_ The Queen gave her a motherly smile, brushing a pale hand across her cheek._

_ "If that is what you wish."_

_ Alice smiled, and uncorked the vial._

_ "You could stay..."_

_ Alice turned around._

_ The Hatter gazed at her with a penetrating stare, green eyes faintly glowing in the dim light. Alice smiled sadly at him._

_ "What an idea. What a mad, crazy, wonderful idea..."_

_ The Hatter beamed._

Jonathan turned quickly.

"What was that, Jervis?"

"Nothing."

"It sounded like you said, 'kiss her already, you idiot.'"

"No, I didn't! It was nothing!"

Jonathan shrugged, unconvinced, and took a sip of his tea.

_"...But I can't."_

_ The Hatter's smile faded instantaneously._

_ "There are questions I have to answer. Things I have to do."_

_ The Hatter said nothing. He watched Alice silently, eyes tracing her every move, as she put the vial to her lips, swallowed the contents, and corked it again._

_ "Be back before you know it," Alice said with a wry smile._

_ The Hatter shook his head._

_ "You won't remember me."_

_ "Of course I will! How could I forget?"_

"The same way you did last time," Jervis growled, violently, and put down his teacup, not bothering to refill it.

_"Hatter...why is a raven like a writing desk?"_

_ The Mad Hatter smirked_

_ "I haven't the slightest idea," he said._

_ Alice smiled back._

_ He leaned closer, and whispered in her ear._

_ "Fairfarren, Alice..."_

"...CoUlD nOt JoIn ThE dAnCe..."

Crane looked over, eyebrows up.

"Jervis...are you crying?"

"N-no, of course not..."

_Alice looked around. She was back at the Ascots' estate. The gnarled tree loomed over her..._

"Oh, good," piped Jonathan. "Reality, at last! Let's find out how many the Horseman knocked off today..."

_"Alice!" gasped Hamish, as Alice reappeared from the maze._

_ "Good lord!" exclaimed Lord Ascot, noticing the blonde girl's dirty dress, untidy hair, and scratched arm. "Are you all right?"_

_ "What happened to you?" asked Helen._

_ "I fell down a hole and hit my head," Alice said simply, and turned to Hamish. "I'm sorry, Hamish, I can't marry you: you're not the right man for me...and there's that trouble with your digestion..."_

_ Alice descended the gazebo stairs and went over to her sister._

_ "I love you Margaret," she said, "But this is my life; I'll decide what to do with it."_

_ Now Alice turned to Lowell, who gulped at the cold glare she flashed his way._

_ "You're lucky to have my sister for a wife, Lowell. I know you'll be good to her. I'll be watching...very...closely..."_

"I chopped off the head of an electric-spewing dragon, you know! Now, don't make me do the same to you," purred Scarecrow.

"Jabberwock."

"Whatever."

_Alice smiled at the Chattaway sisters._

_ "You two remind me of some funny boys I met in a dream..."_

"Oh, yeah. Never would have guessed that..."

_"You've left me out," piped up Lord Ascot._

_ "No, I haven't, sir," Alice said with a smile. "You and I have business to discuss."_

_ Lord Ascot smirked._

_ "Shall we, er...speak in the study?"_

"Oh, joy," sneered the Hatter. "Now we can add possible pedophilia to the list of sensual undertones..."

_"Oh, yes," Alice remembered. "And one more thing..."_

_ She lifted her dress, revealing her unstockinged legs, and danced a quick Futterwacken in front of the entire crowd._

Jonathan held the Mad Hatter down by the shoulders, as the maniac seethed in fury, hands twitching in rage.

"What...the...BLAZES...?"

"Let it go, Tetch. Let it go..."

_Alice boarded the ship, waving farewell to her family and the Ascots, and headed to the bow, looking out over the sea._

_ She felt a light, fluttering pressure on her shoulder, and turned to look._

_ She smiled at the sight of a blue butterfly, flitting its wings slightly._

_ "Hello, Absolem."_

With that, the end credits began to roll.

"Oh, thank heavens..." moaned Jervis, putting his face in his hands.

"Well...that was interesting..."

"'INTERESTING?'" the Mad Hatter shrieked, standing angrily and pointing at the screen. "My foot! It's a heinous crime to Carroll's name: the violence I can almost forgive, due to the Queen, but even that goes a bit beyond the already dark norm of my passion! The sensuality is shocking, both the darkness and the plausible romance seem forced, Alice and the White Queen look cadaverous, several excellent characters and great performances, WHAT FEW THERE ARE, are glanced over, if they're lucky to be seen at all, and I look nothing like myself! Oh, and need we mention that HORRIBLE dance again? I, for one, am NOT GOING TO STAND FOR IT!"

Jervis pressed the eject button, and snarled as he replaced the DVD in its case. He glared at it and stalked toward another room.

Jonathan Crane quirked an eyebrow as the Mad Hatter opened the window and flung the video out into the street.

"I pity whatever poor bum finds that movie," he snarled.

Crane blinked.

Then smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

Notes: My thanks to Waruitenshi for the idea of this last chapter. I hope you enjoyed the story. "Good night, everybody!"

**Epilogue: Night Terror**

Jervis Tetch grumbled furiously long after his guest left. Even as night fell, and the Hatter lay in bed, he couldn't stop thinking about the horrid excuse for a movie he had just seen.

He tried to read a passage from _The Hunting of the Snark_ to clear his head...but it did little.

With a growl, he slammed the book shut, and replaced it on the shelf, pacing around.

"I need to get to bed," he decided, noticing the dark outside. "Sleep this...this _travesty _off..."

With that decided, the Hatter headed off towards the makeshift bedroom in the upstairs office of the old warehouse. He removed his top hat, placing it on the nightstand near his head, pulled the blankets up to his chin, and closed his eyes.

After about two hours of trying to sleep, he opened one tired eye...

_Crrreeeaaak..._

Jervis sat up, and went to the door, putting his hat back on, and pulling out a gun hidden inside it.

Carefully, he opened the door, and looked down the stairs, pistol at the ready.

"'CuRiOuSeR, aNd CuRiOuSeR...'"

He saw no one around...

_Batman?_ He wondered. _No...no, he'd just drag me out of bed..._

Cautiously, Jervis went back inside, and grabbed a small flashlight.

And so, hat on his head, a gun in one hand, and his flashlight in the other, the Mad Hatter slowly descended the stairs.

He looked around...

No one was there...

Suddenly, he heard the sound of footsteps behind him.

The Hatter spun around, cocking his pistol...

Nothing...

Jervis gulped.

"J-Jonathan?" he called out. "If this is a joke, Crane, I am not amused..."

There was no reply.

Then, the footsteps came again, off to the left.

Jervis ran over...but nothing was there.

Just then, he heard a noise from behind him.

He turned fast...

Something huge and black rushed at him! The Hatter growled, and fired his pistol.

The something fell at his feet...

It was just a jumbo teddy bear, tied to the top of a kiddy car.

Jervis frowned. This was feeling very familiar...

Then, something tapped his shoulder...

Jervis whipped around.

He screamed, as the flashlight caught the green-eyed glare of a figure with pale white skin, bright red lips, a gap-toothed grin, wearing a burned top hat...

Jervis whipped up his gun...only to have it knocked away.

"Hate on my movie, will ye?" snarled the Tim Burton Hatter.

Screaming even louder than before, Jervis ran out of the warehouse and into the night.

"BATMAN!" he wailed. "HERE I AM, YOU BLOODY JABBERWOCK! I SURRENDER, YOU HEAR ME? TAKE ME TO ARKHAM!"

Back inside the warehouse, Jonathan Crane laughed as he wiped the greasepaint off his face.

"That'll teach him to rat on me to the Bat," he smirked, still snickering as he did.


End file.
